AskAnAspie

Gotcha!

Pretty good, eh? Announcing the new site design would help it get updated more than once in a blue moon and then not updating for six months? Anyway,I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is that I think we've now proved rather conclusively that the site is indeed run by Aspies. The bad news is that we seem to have proved it by having the webmaster, yours truly, get completely distracted by shiny interesting side projects and completely forgotten to even check the AskAnAspie email account. I have nothing to say in my own defense except that I now know quite a bit more about the interaction between Sephardic and Ashkenazi cultures in the 1950s, the evolution of the Nation of Islam and its impact on mainstream Islam in the US, and I'm nearly up to level 40 in World of Warcraft.

But the other good news is that my conscience has finally bullied me into getting back to you all, and that over the next few weeks I hope to either round up the old team or put together a new team or just drink a lot of coffee if I have to, and some form of AskAnAspie will be reactivated. We can rebuild it. We have the technology. I think I'll be changing the format around a little, possibly going to more of a "periodical" style, but I suspect I should focus on that after I've had enough sleep to stop making random references to TV shows.

Hopefully, we'll start posting again soon. In the meantime I highly recommend signing up for the AskAnAspie Site News mailing list, which can be found at http://groups.google.com/group/AskAnAspieSiteNews which will have announcements when anything major happens.

Welcome to the new and improved AskAnAspie.com!

Behold! AskAnAspie.com no longer looks like it was designed by a monkey with a typewriter! The more web-savy among you may have noticed that we have switched to a "blog" format. This is because we here at AskAnAspie believe it's time to tear down the old paradigm and join the information revolution. No, actually it's just that I'm the laziest webmaster on the face of the earth, and this way the server software does most of the work. I have way too much respect for Thomas Kuhn to misuse the word paradigm. There may be a few kinks in the system at first, but I think once everything is up and running we will have an easier to navigate, more stylish, and more interactive website that, most importantly, will be updated more than once in a blue moon.

If you read no other post before emailing us, read this one!

Guidelines for emailing us:

1. Read all the other posts before emailing us. I know, I implied in the title that you only needed to read this one, but I lied. I'm sneaky that way. Seriously, check around to make sure that your question hasn't been answered already. Chances are, it has.
2. Please use conventional spelling, capitalization, grammer, etc. We are likely to reply to "s0 like img wut do u thnk about that nu book lol" with a less than helpful answer. We aren't going to insist that you consult the Oxford English Dictionary, and I'm certainly in no position to critisize anyone else's spelling, but we would consider it a personal favor if you would endulge us and avoid using AIMspeak.
2a. On the same note, PLEASE DON'T USE ALL CAPS FOR THE ENTIRE EMAIL BECAUSE WE TEND TO INTERPRET IT AS YELLING AND IT GETS REALLY REALLY ANNOYING. THERE ARE BOTH UPPERCASE AND LOWERCASE LETTERS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, AND IT WOULD BE A SHAME TO WASTE THEM.
3. Please include a relevant subject line. It makes it really hard to organize the emails when none of them have subject lines.
4. Please let us know whether we may post your question to the website. If you don't tell us otherwise, we'll assume it's ok to post it. If you ever see something posted here which you had not meant for posting, just email us and we'll take it down immediately.
5. Please be specific. "How did you think as a child" is really hard to answer. It's fine to list multiple questions in one email or to have a relatively long questions, as long as you tell us exactly what you want to know. In the same veign, please don't send in rhetorical questions. We can't answer things like "Why is society so intolerent" or "Why can't life be easier". It's fine if you'd like to rant a little, but please either include a question we can actually answer or include a note saying we don't have to answer it.
6. Please do not forward us press releases, and REALLY please don't forward us information about how to support CAN, DAN, or any of the other organizations that don't allow adult austics to speak on their own behalf. Wiley still has a small scar from her last encounter with CAN and she gets grumpy when asked to support them.
6. Please be patient. We get a lot of email, and sometimes it can take a couple of weeks for us to reply to all of it.

So now that you've carefully read those guidelines and taken them to heart, feel free to email us at askanaspie@gmail.com

Our Mission Statement

The mission of AskAnAspie is to build a bridge between the Autism and Autistic communities, to provide a way for parents of children who may have trouble expressing themselves to talk to people who have gone through the same sort of experiences as their child and who see the world in the same way. While Odds & Friends, the organization behind AskAnAspie, is involved in advocacy work and many of its members hold strong views about issues such as ABA and the search for a 'cure', we try our best to keep advocacy separate from our role at AskAnAspie. In trying to explain how we think about ourselves, it may creep in from time to time, but our goal is to ensure that any parent, no matter where they come from in the autism community, feels comfortable bringing their questions to us.

The AskAnAspie FAQ

Q: Should I treat your word as infallible and follow your advice blindly?

A: NO! We are not professionals, we're just college students. We are happy to dispense information about our personal experience and to offer advice based on that experience, but what you do with that advice is completely up to you. Basically: We are not responsible for anything that might happen because of our advice. Don't sue us.

Q: My child has Autism or PDD-NOS, not Asperger's. Can I still email you?

A: Of course. We try to help parents of children across the Spectrum.

Q: Are you a bunch of wild-eyed radicals who go around yelling at people and setting things on fire?

A: Well, I was trying to bake some Challah the other day, but my oven was broken, so I put it in the toaster oven... But that's probably not what you meant. No, we aren't crazy radicals. We certainly have our opinions, but on the whole most of us are moderates, and all of us have put a lot of thought into our opinions. The two firmest rules at AskAnAspie are a) no yelling at people and b) no knee-jerk reactions to anything.

Q: Despite the fact that I am asking this question in English, I don't actually speak it. What languages can panelists answer questions in?

Well, English is really best. All of us are native English speakers. But in a pinch, one or more panelists has a high-school-level proficiancy in Spanish, French, American Sign Language, Latin, and Japanese. And we have friends we can turn to who know Russian and Chinese. But if at all possible, English is really best.

Q: I think the people in my parents' group, some of whom don't go online/speak English/own computers, would be interested in your website. Is it ok if translate/print excerpts?

A: Yes, as long as you credit the website, include the web address, and if it goes online, email us a link.

Q: I really like the idea of those "Celebrate Neurodiversity" shirts. Can I buy them online?

A: We're working on that. If you want to be sure that you'll know when they become available, sign up for our newsletter at http://groups-beta.google.com/group/AskAnAspieSiteNews

Q: I've heard some companies use slave labor to print shirts. Do you guys do that?

A: Well, Wiley does all the screenprinting herself by hand. She doesn't get paid, but we like to think of it more as "volunteer" labor.

Q: Will you come visit our support group / meet my kid / talk at our conference?

A: Yes, within reason. Here are the general "within reason" restrictions:
1) We're all college students, so while some weekday nights may be possible, weekends tend to work better. Also, we tend to disappear for the summer.
2) None of us have cars, so if where you want us to go isn't accessable by public transportation, we would either need to be picked up by someone with a car or reimbursed for taxi fare. And if you want us to go somewhere outside the Chicago area, you're responsible for any transportation/lodging costs.
3) We don't really have enough time to meet everybody one-on-one, so we mostly come meet with groups. This isn't a written-in-stone rule, but if you can get a group of kids and/or parents together, it helps us reach as many people as possible without spending our entire lives on the CTA.
4) One way we raise money to run the site, photocopy brochures, etc. is by selling t-shirts and other random things. If you don't want us to bring our t-shirts to your meeting, please let us know ahead of time. We don't require any sort of speaker's fee, but we would like the opportunity to offer our t-shirts for sale. They're very cool, they say "Celebrate Neurodiversity" on them and they come in a variety of sizes and colors. I don't know why anyone would object to them, but this is fair warning that unless you tell us not to, we will try to sell you t-shirts.

Neurodiversity.com

www.neurodiversity.com

One of the best "portal" sites in the autistic community. From here you can get to just about all the information you need.

Bringing school stress home

Q: I am the mother of a 6-year-old Aspie boy.  He currently functions
extremely well in mainstream kindergarten; it has been extremely
important for him not to get his folder signed at all this year (a goal
he set for himself, I might add).  However, he is having difficulties
at home with the limits we set for him.  Like all parents, we're just
attempting to keep him safe (he has had an unsettling fascination with
electrical plugs recently) and to teach him kind behavior toward others
(including ourselves) while recognizing his special outlook on the
world.  I realize how stressful school must be for him (partially
because he does behave himself so flawlessly at school), and I think
that some of his argumentativeness stems from a "let down" effect.
Nonetheless, it is taking a toll on our family life.

You guys seem to have such great self-esteem and really enjoy being who
you are; it also sounds like you are close to your parents.  What do
you feel that your parents did or did not do that helped instill
positive traits during elementary school years?  How would you
characterize your childhood relationship with your parents?  We want to
do everything we can to help our son grow into a person who feels good
about himself and his abilities.  Thanks for a website that gives
parents insight into (grown) Aspie minds and thereby provides us
understanding we might not have otherwise.

A:       I love my parents, and I have nothing but good things to say about
their patience in bringing me up.  That said, I realized early on that many
aspects of their life experience were not going to be transferable to me.
Just as they reached a point where my math homework was beyond them, my
social development was not going to proceed on a schedule that they could
recognize.
     Moreover, since I felt the safest with them, I was and am more likely
to lose my temper over small irritations from them than anyone else.  For
instance, my dad asks a lot of inane questions as a relational gambit, which
I don't want to answer because it seems pointless to me.  I get annoyed and
snap at him, and he gets offended because he was only trying to talk to his
daughter about her life.  Maybe he should be more accomodating to me and not
pepper me with empty inquiries, but he's right when he says I need to keep
my temper in check and accept his questions as the friendly overtures they
are.
     Self-esteem is important, but you don't need to particularly work to
improve it.  Plenty of bad people feel good about themselves.  What is
necessary is to show him every day what a good person, a true human being,
is like, and to push him towards being the kind of person he can be proud to
be.  Self-esteem will happen on its own if he feels he is at least trying to
live up to his own idea of the good.  Best of luck.
-Lynn

Fear of Animals

Q: I have a nine year son with moderate autism. He has always had an extreme fear of animals and NEVER had a traumatic experience involving animals. It can even be a newborn kitten or pup, and he is petrified. I don't know how to help him get over this fear,even a little. If there is a cat in my yard,he won't go outside.And I know he wants to go outside. But then there's squirrels,etc. Do you have any suggestions? He was once non-verbal, but through lots of therapy past & present,patience, & trying really hard to understand him, he is somewhat verbal now. Although, things are said out of context sometimes, sentences are not there yet,but he isn't using sign language anymore. He is trying to talk to us now. Anyway, he can't tell me why animals scare him so. I didn't see this question asked and I would really appreciate your input on this subject. By the way, this is indeed a wonderful site. Thank You. I do plan on emailing you again.

Angela

A: A few suggestions.  Have him draw you a picture on how he feels about
animals.  Interact with animals yourself in a safe way - i.e., play with the
neighbor's dog in your backyard while your son watches through the closed
screen door.  How does he feel about stuffed animals?
It could be your son doesn't like animals because they behave unpredictably.
  You could try nature programs and the like which show animals behaving in
predictable ways - ways that can be learned by the observant individual.
And of course seeing a specialist in phobias might be a good idea.  I hope
this helps.
-Lynn

Aspies and college admissions

Q: Hi,
I have a 16 year-old son who has Asperger's Syndrome. He is extremely high functioning and will make great college material. Although University of Chicago is one of the colleges on his list to apply, he really is interested in Cal-Tech, Pasadena. I have two questions:
1. His grades are barely 3.0 (normal for a person struggling to maneuver the HS structure), he wasn't allowed extra time for the ACT test, hasn't taken SAT, and PSAT scores haven't come in yet. How can he wow any University with his application? Any hints?
2. Do you have any hints on how he can set a schedule to get his papers done on time, hand in his assignments, follow any type of executive order without any outside assistance from parents or resource person?

I think this is great you have set ASKANASPIE up. Perhaps, in the future, my son can assist other students just as you are doing

Thanks for any reply or assistance

Trudy

A: Wow! My warm congratulations on raising an Aspie who has succeeded so well!
It must've been very trying at times, but the two of you got through it, and
now he's going to college! It's so exciting!
Wowing colleges can be darn tough, as you know. As far as I know the
universities you mention aren't going to throw away applications that have a
3.0 GPA on them. (I understand Harvard could fill each entering freshman
class with nothing but 4.0 students with perfect SAT scores if they wanted
to, but even this most selective of schools takes students with lower scores
and strong applications.) The trick in applying to colleges, as I
understand, is finding your strengths and playing to them. If your son, like
many Aspies, is into theater, see if he can't get a big role in a school
production. If he perseverates on, say, washing machines, maybe he can get a
part-time summer job at an appliance dealer, where he'd get to flaunt his
knowledge in the field. If he doesn't have such concrete interests but is
fascinated with the philosophical grounding of free inquiry (as I was --
Aspies, as you know, are weird), he can try his hand at writing a great
essay about why he's so interested in it and how it affects his thinking or
personal philosophy (colleges *love* that stuff). Regardless, the result is
a line on your application that few other students will have -- and if you
can draw the admissions people's attention to it with (again) an essay about
why this subject matters to you, then you have succeeded in distinguishing
yourself from the pile of blah applications on their desks.
Being disciplined about work is hard for a lot of Aspies, as is being
flexible and resourceful; before I went off to college my dad kept me on
task with work, while my mom came up with solutions to all sorts of personal
and logistical problems that seemed intractable to me. Having less access to
your parents, such great resources (quite above and beyond being such great
people), is bound to be hard. But it sure does force you to develop some
self-sufficiency! Possibly against your will, but it does. I've found an
appointment book tremendously helpful in organizing my work and my time.
Resourcefulness is something that develops by itself as you get to know the
lay of the land; in my third year at Chicago I finally know all the good
coffee shops on campus, where the libraries are, and where to go if I run
out of soap. There's nothing like making friends (give it time and don't
push him!) for the moral support you won't be there to provide. And if worst
comes to worst, you'd be amazed how many professors are willing to give
extensions if you write them a nice email explaining the circumstances.
Whatever college your son eventually gets into, I can almost guarantee his
experience will be sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet, and sometimes both at
the same time. But for Aspies especially, creating a safe zone, a pocket of
familiarity, will help with the worst of times. I've had a single room since
my first year here, and I'm so glad of it. (The U of C has lots of singles
for first-years if you ask them nicely; I don't know about other schools.)
It will certainly take a while to become comfortable in a place that is Not
Home; being so far away from the people and places I knew and loved
depressed the heck out of me for quite a while, even though I thought I was
ready to leave. Be prepared to talk your son through those times. But
ultimately, the best advice I can give your son is to take his time and let
college develop organically for him. He doesn't need to make friends his
first week in school, or sign up for ten extracurriculars, unless those are
things he truly wants. Not overheating is key to getting classwork done,
enjoying yourself, and still getting some sleep. And if (as may happen) once
in a while he just can't face the world and needs to take a day off lying in
his comfortable bed in his dark room, that's not the end of the world. (I've
been there.)

Congratulations again to both of you! Best of luck!
--Brian

Walking around with a Paint Brush

Q: Did you ever grow up having to hold something or shake something in your
hands? I know many autistic kids have the need to hold and shake something
in their hands. My question is Why? And then ofcourse, should I as a parent
be denying my sons desire to walk around always holding a paint brush,
pencil, or anything in his hand?

When you grew up, looking back, would you have preferred being in the
deneral ed classroom with accomodations, or pulled out to special eduction
resources, for more one on one and small group learning opportunities?

Thank you so much for your thoughts!

A: You get two Aspie answers for the price of... well... free! Two
Panelists wanted to answer your question, so make sure you read the
whole email to get both replies.

[From Brian:]
I'm glad you found my last email mind-broadening! I'd caution you against
complimenting me on how helpful I've been till you actually try my
suggestions out, though; I'm no professional, and all I can do is put
options on the table :)
Books to recommend... heh! Wouldn't it be great if there were a nice book,
leather-bound with Bible-thin pages, with the title "THE RULES" embossed
onto its cover? Unfortunately, as far as I know there is no such book. But
there are resources that do a darn good job covering these
normally-unwritten rules. The best book I know for this purpose is "How To
Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," by Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish. (It's on Amazon.com for little more than
$10.) When I was quite young (ten or so?) I stumbled across a copy of this
book that my parents had bought, and just pored over it. It's rich with
rules for rewarding communication, and manages to work in rules for other
things too -- almost by accident, in the process of illustrating how parents
can communicate to their kids the socially acceptable ways of dealing with
certain situations. If you liked my examples in my last email, there's no
better resource I can recommend, for you or your son.
Not that I won't try. The other source that might be helpful is the webpage
A Survival Guide for People with Asperger's
Syndrome.
(That's http://www.asperger-marriage.info/survguide/chapter21.html, if you
have trouble opening the link.) It does a better job explicitly spelling out
the rules in easy-to-digest format than anything else I can think of
offhand. It also leaves a lot of stuff out, as any such source must, but
it's emphatically worth a look!
Now, as to your other questions. Lots and lots of spectrum kids -- and
adults too! -- habitually engage in some kind of sensory self-stimulation
(aka "stimming"). I'm one of them! I've written to parents about this a
couple times before, and I always recommend letting the child continue --
assuming, of course, that his particular choice of stim isn't physically
harmful to himself, which doesn't happen often. Best as I can figure out,
stimming is an important coping mechanism that helps us deal with stress.
Between sensory hypersensitivity, having to learn the social rules, and just
plain being different, being on the spectrum can be very anxiety-provoking.
Stimming gives the nervous energy somewhere to go, and, via creating what
I've called a way to "'turn down the volume' on all that light and sound and
information." I don't know how I'd survive without a way to do this :) Some
therapists think stimming is something that should be treated, but as Wiley
has pointed out, there are enough difficult aspects of being autistic that
the last thing you want to do is destroy an autistic's coping mechanism! You
can, however, explain when rocking, say, might not be socially appropriate.
(Sadly, a lot of neurotypicals get creeped out by rocking.)
Looking back, when I grew up I think I would've *preferred* being in a
classroom with as few people as possible; I never liked interacting with
most of my peers. But I stress the word "preferred." Ultimately, even folks
on the spectrum need to learn how to understand neurotypicals, in order to
live with them and even love them. So while at times I found it very
unpleasant, I think it was valuable to me to share a classroom and a
playground with a larger number of peers; in the end there's nothing like
exposure to something to help one understand it. That said, there are
definitely advantages to a smaller classroom; learning can go at the child's
own pace (be it faster or slower), for one thing, and there is a lot less
bullying. Does your son have an opinion?
Hope this helps! Best of luck once again!
--Brian

[From Lynn:]
As to the first, there's a reason why they call them executive toys - many
people, including Aspies, enjoy a thingamabob in hand as they work. My dad,
for instance, is a terrible pencil biter (not recommended). I play with my
hair a lot; it's long and curly and fun to tie in knots.
As to the second, I had both, really. I went to a public school which had a
program called ALPHA for gifted kids. Twice a week for 3 hours in
elementary school we got to leave class and do program activities in a
pretty small group. As I recall, one of the projects was making a full
scale model of the space shuttle living quarters (pre-Challenger) out of
duct tape and plastic sheeting. In high school, it was a daily class
period, and I designed my own projects, which included arranged marrianges
around the world, humor, and violence in the movies. Does your school
district have a similar program? Being pulled out is not necessarily a bad
thing, but neither is learning to live with one's peers.
-Lynn

Post High School Freezing?

Q: Any response would be greatly appreciated:
We have a son graduating with N.Y. regents diploma, did very well in SAT (especially considering limitations of school he attended, with mostly one-on-one teaching, except for social studies where he did NOT participate).
He recently stated he does not want to go to college (why start if you do not know what exactly that you want to do/major in), maybe wants a job, afraid to learn to drive, and anything we suggest he will immediately refuse. It was as if he turned 18, wants to be independent, but does not know how (through lack of experience or previous willingness for us to show/help him). He was previously interested in hiking and mountain climbing, with father, but has since stopped.
We are looking into adult services that might help him reach whatever goals he has. We are very concerned since he always has a plan, a schedule, and that he does not have one for after June, high school graduation.
(1) Does/Did anyone identify with any of his feelings?
(2)Any suggestions of how to communicate with him?
(3) Any services known/schools that might be helpful?

Many thanks for your time and response. A very concerned Mother who just wants to help. Barbara D.

A: Mmm. I had some of those feelings myself when I graduated high school. One
difference for me was that I never really questioned whether I wanted to go
to college; it had always been assumed that since my grades were excellent
and I loved to learn, college was the right place for me. Which I think it
was, but once I got here it took me a long time to convince myself of that;
only recently have I started being darned glad I'm here.
It has bothered me to no end that I don't have a coherent goal for myself.
My dad says, he hopes reassuringly, that there are very few people out there
with a driving passion, and that most just end up taking whatever
opportunities present themselves after college. To me that always sounded
like "everyone else is as miserable as you are; give yourself a break,"
which is an awfully bittersweet message. Still, the part about giving
oneself a break is darn good advice. The situation your son finds himself in
now, if he's anything like me, is that he needs a plan for the future to
feel safe, but hates the thought of committing to a plan that will take him
down a road he dislikes. Sometimes this can feel like a choice between
having a bad future on the one hand, and no future at all on the other.

I'm glad to say that I'm getting over this, slowly but surely. This is
largely because here in college I've found a major (linguistics) that
involves doing work I enjoy day-by-day, and almost coincidentally happens to
lead down a career path that I find acceptable. For this reason, most of the
time I don't have to think about my future; if I take care of each passing
day, the future will take care of itself. Reaching this point, I think, is
hard for everyone, but especially for Aspies; our especial need for security
and routine makes transitional periods, and imagining future transitional
periods, potentially very anxiety-provoking. This only reinforces the need
to find something one can focus on day to day.
I mention all this because it sounds like your son is very future-oriented;
it's no wonder he feels so lost! I think there are about two ways people who
think this way get to feel motivated. One is to establish the missing
long-term goal. A vocational test might be helpful for this; if nothing
else, it will bring up possibilities you may not have considered! (On the
other hand, if it *doesn't*, it may just reinforce your son's feeling of
aimlessness.) The other, which takes a long time, is to mitigate that future
orientation and find something enjoyable you can pursue day by day, trusting
that this will lead (perhaps obliquely) to a career. Not that it has to be
one or the other; my own "solution" at the moment is an admixture of the
two. But unfortunately, there is no way I know to make someone either
motivated or in the moment. It's something that develops over time.
That said, there is a way you can help: by continuing to offer your support
to your son. There is no rule that says you have to get pushed out of the
nest at 18, to fly or fall. Here at college I go home for every vacation; my
wings are tired and I need to rest them. And knowing I can talk to my
parents when I need to is incredibly helpful. It may be very frustrating not
to be able to do more for your son -- God knows how much my parents went
through for this reason -- but it's like Frodo and the One Ring: no one else
can carry it for him.
--Brian
"I can only show you the door. You're the one who has to walk through it."
--Morpheus, *The Matrix*

Stealing money

Q: Dear Askanaspie,

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity.  My daughter was just recently diagnosed with Asperger's and I am just learning to see her behavior with new eyes so your advice will be extremely helpful.

My ten year old Aspie daughter, I believe, has recently taken a fairly large amount of money from my husband and me.  I can't say I saw her do it but it is the case of circumstantial evidence being overwhelming..she was in the proximity of the where the money was removed and the denominations of the money she "found" were exactly the same. This is new territory for me because previously she has been very honest or so obviously dishonest that she came clean pretty quickly.  This time when I gave her with the facts, asked her if she had taken the money, gave her many outs for what I thought were reasonable explanations for why she would have thought it was okay to take the money and given her the opportunity to put the money back, she has vehemently denied that she did anything and insisted that this money mysteriously appeared under her bed.  She also mentioned "finding" a small amount of money in her classroom recently.  I haven't gotten a call from the school about this but after the experience at home, I am worried.  Can you help me understand this behavior?

I could just take the money back but that seems a short term solution destined to create behavior problems elsewhere.  Do you have any suggestions on how I can get her to face the fact that this behavior is wrong and correct it.

Thanks,

Beth

A: I remember when I was five or six I had a tendency to go through my
dad's change bowl and take coins. I saved up $10 in these coins, and
then, very proud of myself, told my parents about it.  They asked where
the money came from.  I said I had taken it from Dad's change bowl.
They took it back.  At the time I couldn't understand why they would do
that.  There was money lying around, they had told me that saving money
was good, and I didn't really make the connection that the money in the
bowl belonged to someone else and was thus not available for saving.

It's possible that this is the problem in this case, but what I find a
lot more troubling is the fact that she isn't telling the truth about
it.  Children with Asperger's don't always have a good idea of what
other people know and what they don't.  She might not realize that you
know she took the money, so she thinks that if she just keeps denying
it you won't "find out".  I think the best bet is to confront her
openly, explain that you know she took the money, explain how you know
she took the money, and that while taking money from other people is
wrong, lying about it is even worse.  The trick is to not only be clear
about the rules, but to be clear about the ways and consequences of
getting caught.

Wiley

Rebel with an Aspie Cause

Q: I found this site so informative.  Thank you all for spending your time and energy to help the younger Aspies make it in the world.  I have an 8 yo. son diagnosed with AS and ADHD.

1)  My son has trouble following directions.  Sometimes he just doesn't respond at all and at other times he gets lost on the way to completing the task at hand.  It seems like his brain is either on lock-down or leaks.  I want to know how to help him with this problem.  Do you have any tools that you use to help with this?

2)  My son likes to argue about almost everything (this has gotten significantly better since I started a new program for him).  I had one adult HFA friend tell me he argues because he thinks he is equal to me and doesn't understand authority.  I just want to know if other Aspies also have this way of thinking or have any other insight on why he does this?  Also, any tips on eliminating this all together would be awesome.

3)  The other day, he wanted to wash his hands in the kitchen sink.  It was full of dishes and since he is short, I asked him to go into the bathroom.  He had a meltdown and proceded to try to shove me out of the way for about 20 minutes.  I stayed calm and continually directed him into the bathroom.  Finally, he gave up and went into the bathroom to wash his hands.  It is like he has brain freeze or else he just enjoys torturing me.  Do you have any insight on what is going on in his head and how I can help him get unstuck?

Thanks.

Annette mom to David

A: I can't speak to your first question, I've always been pretty good at
following directions as long as they were clear and precise.  The only
advice I can offer is to make sure that you tell him exactly what you
want him to do: for example, to an Aspie, when someone asks you to "go
check if the mail is here yet" that does not mean that one needs to
bring the mail back, or even necessarily tell the person who asked
whether the mail is there or not, merely that one needs to find out for
oneself whether or not the mail is there.

For your second question, I think the only real solution is to give him
a reason to accept your authority.  "Because I said so" is not a valid
reason for Aspies, and in general it takes a long time for Aspies to
learn the self control they need to accept the logic that even though
"Because I said so" is not a valid reason, the fact that they will get
into trouble if they do not comply is a valid reason.  Most Aspies do
figure it out eventually, but in general we're much easier to pursuade
with logic than with brute force.  Explain why you need him to do
things.  Explain why, in a given situation, you are better able to make
a decision than he is.  The trick is to make sure he knows the
reasoning behind the authority and that it's not just random.

I think a lot of that applies to your third question as well.  Tell him
why it doesn't make sense to wash his hands in the kitchen sink.  If he
doesn't believe you that it won't work, let him try.  If he has as much
trouble with it as you expect he will, he will be more likely to trust
your judgement the next time around. Aspies have a very strong sense of
injustice, and when we think we're being treated unfairly, we can get
incredibly stubborn and upset. But I very much doubt that he's
deliberately torturing you.  He probably doesn't even realize that he's
doing it.  He's just trying to achieve "fairness" as he sees it.

Wiley

I, Robot

Q: I have a 12 year old Aspie son who tells me he really doesn't feel much in the way of missing people when they are gone for a while. Does this ever go away?

When children pick on him in school he calls them ignorant and then tells me he doesn't feel upset when they tease him. Is this possible? Are all aspies disconnected from their feelings?

He has the ability to be very affectionate to me (his mom) rarely to anyone else. For me this  is very difficult to understand can you explain?

Thanks,

Lia

A: Hi Lia,
I think it's not that Aspies are disconnected from their feelings so
much as they don't have the same emotional reactions to things as NTs.
I've never really missed people very much either.  I love my parents
and enjoy spending time with them, but I can talk to them on the phone,
so the fact that we aren't living in the same state anymore doesn't
seem particularly important.  And I think that while being teased does
wear at you eventually, being able to see through it to the bullies'
insecurities and ignorance and not be bothered as much by it is a
really wonderful advantage. It's not that we're bottling anything up,
it's just that we don't have as strong a response as some people have.
We also may have different ways of expressing emotions.  For example,
if we like spending time with someone, we might express that by
spending more time with them, and not realize that they need to be
actually told that we enjoy spending time with them.  But in general, I
think that Aspies are just as in touch with their emotions as anyone
else.

Wiley

Problems with Generalization

Q: Have you ever heard of Generalization in Autistic people? Where they learn something in 1 setting but can not carry it over to another setting. This is what my daughter appears to be doing. Her teacher showed me that she can do things like draw a person with 2 body parts but at home she can not.Someone mentioned this to me. Are you familar with this?

A: You get two Aspie Answers for the price of... well... free ^_^ Two of
our panelists wanted to answer your question, so make sure you read
the whole email to get both responses.

From Brian:
I sure am! To take a simple example from my own experience, I have an
awfully hard time recognizing someone I know from, say, class, when I see
them in a different setting. I've offended much more than one person by not
recognizing them in the dining hall in spite of having (finally) learned to
recognize them in class! Similarly, I've read about an Aspie who had a
phobia of house plants; his parents persuaded him to accept a very small
plant on a table across the room from his bed, and (with his consent)
gradually moved it closer to his bed every day as he acclimated. He came to
be unafraid of *that* house plant -- but he was still terrified of others!
Indeed, this difficulty in generalizing is seen by some experts as being at
the "core" of Asperger's (I don't know about classic autism), to the extent
Asperger's *has* a core. I'm not sure I agree, but I'm no psychologist! In
any case, it certainly does pose problems for a lot of parents, who don't
understand how their child can be so high-functioning at home but
practically nonverbal in school (or vice versa). The best I can do to
explain it from my own experience is to describe it as an intensified
version of what I think is an experience everyone has. People are used to
thinking in particular ways in particular places, or with respect to
particular things. I believe it's been established, for instance, that
students perform better on biology exams when they are allowed to take them
in the classroom where they learned biology. Getting into any given mindset
is easier in a situation where you're used to being in that mindset. I
suspect this is essentially what your daughter and others are going through,
only in a much more visible and obvious way. Like many other autistic
traits, this one will likely recede with time.
--Brian

From Wiley:
I think Brian wrote a great response, so I won't write anything too
long, but as I was reading your letter I thought of an analogy and a
personal example, so I'll just write them down here. The example I
thought of was my spelling. I write nearly everything I write on
computers these days, and my spelling when I type is relatively good
(now of course I've cursed myself and the entire rest of this response
will be littered with spelling mistakes). I'm not conciously
remembering how to spell the words, I just remember how to type them.
So when I have to write things down by hand, which is a completely
different sensation, my spelling is atrocious! Because it's a
completely different experience from typing on a computer.

The best analogy to pop into my head is the difference between sleeping
in your own bed and sleeping in a hotel. It's not necessarily that the
bed in a hotel is any less comfortable than your bed at home, it's just
a different sensory experience than your bed at home, and it's hard to
convine your brain that it's still a place where you go to sleep.

Wiley

The Transition to First Grade

Q: I have an almost 6 year old son with Asperger's who is in kindergarten.  He loves his teachers, therapists and paraprofessional.  We are in the process of trying to decide what the best summer programming would be for him, if any, and helping him transition to first grade.  He loves school but is convinced he never wants to leave his present classroom.  Any ideas on what we can provide him with that would get him ready for first grade and build on this wonderfully positive experience he's had in kindergarten?  (He's in afternoon kindergarten now and first grade is a whole day.)

 

Thank you for your time!

A: Well, the trick is to find something more fun than kindergarden but
less fun than first grade ^_^ Seriously, I'd recomend something that he
finds interesting but that lasts a whole day.  I don't know what your
son is interested in or the options available in your area, but if you
can find a camp that will let him focus on one of his special
interests, it might be easier to ease him into spending the whole day
in a structured environment, and open him up to the idea that there
are, in fact, places that are more fun than kindergarden.

Wiley

Aspies and Love

Q: Did you think of your first Love as your Last?

My Aspie son of 14 is in the throes of his first serious relationship with a girl. I know this, not because he has confided in me, but simply because of what I have observed. He is smitten and I fear for him. While speaking to him on the issue of his too-frequent text messages to her, I asked the loaded question . . . "It's not as if you're going to marry her" His reply - "You can't know that!" They are far too young for this to last. Will he recover once she walks away? Will he be prepared to one day form another relationship, or will this scar him for life? I fear that the end of the relationship will throw him into deep depression. Is this inevitable? What can I do to better prepare him?

Concerned Mum

A: :( This certainly strikes a chord with me. Before I relate my personal
experience, though, let me congratulate you on having an Aspie with the
emotional awareness and maturity to be in love! I've written to a lot of
parents of autistic kids who can't be sure their children will ever have a
relationship, serious or otherwise. It's great that yours isn't one of them.
That said, it's hard to know whether your son's feelings are the result of
his Asperger's or his humanity. I think most people fall very intensely in
love during their first relationship. (In an episode of Star Trek, Scotty
says of loving the Enterprise: "It's like the first time you fall in love.
You never love a woman quite that much again." I don't think I agree with
him, but he gets the point across.) Especially from an Aspie perspective, if
you thought a relationship had no chance of lasting, why on Earth would you
get into it in the first place?
I got into my first relationship at sixteen. Talk about text-messaging -- I
must've spent four or five hours a day on that computer! I couldn't get
enough of the girl in question. I put this down to a couple things. One,
first love, as I've already discussed. And two, Asperger's. Aspies tend to
perseverate on (obsess about) things that interest them, and there's not
much that's more interesting than a girlfriend! And having Asperger's often
means that you don't often feel like anyone really understands you;
believing that someone finally does is a really special feeling, believe me.
We all have this feeling to a greater or lesser degree, of course, but I
think it may be stronger for Aspies, proportional to our feeling of being
"different." So I was absolutely in love with being in love, and I cherished
my belief (illusion though it may have been) that the two of us had a chance
at succeeding in the long term. No one could ever have convinced me that we
didn't.
When we broke up after a few months, right around Christmas, I was
devastated. I felt like I had lost so many things at once. Partly because of
the Aspie traits I mentioned above and partly because of my emotional
immaturity, I had formed a kind of dependency that was hard as hell to
overcome. I cried a lot, and wrote a lot of mediocre poetry. It was months
before I could even imagine myself with another girl, and months more before
I was really over her (aside from some residual loneliness that comes of
having "tasted the fruit" of love and having it taken away). A lot of people
go through this, again to a greater or lesser degree, when their
relationships -- especially their first -- come to an end. But I gained a
lot of maturity through the relationship and its aftermath, including a lot
of heretofore-undeveloped interpersonal skills. I wouldn't trade what I
gained for not having to remember that evanescent pain.
About two years after my first relationship began, the summer before I went
to college, I met a wonderful girl at Barnes & Noble. She asked me out; we
started dating and fell deeply in love. Our relationship lasted two years,
ending several months ago (and no one can tell me we never had a chance!)
Whatever "scars" were left from my first girlfriend did not, I don't think,
affect my ability to bond with my second. And whatever scars I'm feeling now
will not, I don't think, affect my ability to bond with my third (if, God
willing, there ever is a third).
People grow through love, whether that love lasts or not. Unfortunately,
sometimes pain is the price of growth. But pain is temporary; the maturity
one gains through relationships is not. I can't tell you what's best for
your son. I can tell you that if I had been my mother during the time when I
was going out with my first girlfriend, I hope I would have done exactly
what she did: let the relationship run its course (making sure I wasn't
physically endangering myself, of course), and provide a reassuring shoulder
to cry on afterwards. This might not be what's right for you; it's a
decision you have to make yourself. But the best advice I can give you is to
recognize that your son's feelings are real and valid. It's hard to give up
some of the margin of control you maintain over your child (especially an
Aspie!) that lets you ensure he's emotionally safe; but in the long run,
learning to walk eventually requires not having your hand held. Is your son
ready for that?
--Brian
"For where is any author in the world
Teaches such beauty as a woman's eye?
Learning is but an adjunct to oneself."
--William Shakespeare, *Love's Labour's Lost*

Why won't he apologize for hitting his brother?

Q: My aspie son is 7 1/2. He has a younger brother who is almost 4. My older son has begun to hit and punch the younger one when he "bothers" him. He actually punched his brother in the private parts last night. After talking with my aspie son for quite a while we decided to 1) take away a favorite toy for one week or until he finally shows some remorse for hitting (he has many other favorite toys) and 2) to make him say he was sorry. He absolutely refused so I made him write it.

So I have two questions. The first is: What can I do about my aspie's intolerance of his brother? The second is: Why is saying he is sorry so difficult for my aspie?

Thanks for any and all comments.

Kelly

A: They're difficult questions that you ask, but I'll try to shed some light on
them! I wonder, based on your email, what reason your Aspie son thinks he
has for hitting his brother. Aspies, even when children, rarely do things
for no reason, even if the reason is somewhat obscure and/or no excuse for
their actions. How is it, exactly, that his brother is bothering him? If
your younger son is intentionally making life tough for his brother, your
elder son may not be the only one who needs a lecture :) When I was about
that age, I dealt with older boys on the playground who would frequently
verbally harass me; I would respond by trying to hit them. Naturally, I was
the one who was disciplined -- and while that was appropriate, I can't help
but feel that I wasn't the only one who had acted wrongly. And I sure as
heck wasn't going to apologize to my verbal tormentors! Back then, in my
mind, they deserved it.
Now, if your younger son isn't intentionally molesting his brother (be it
by teasing him, invading his space after being asked to stop, etc.), then
there may be some sort of misunderstanding between the two. If he's
reasonably high-functioning, I'd encourage you to nonconfrontationally ask
your Aspie son some of these questions yourself! Why did you hit your
brother? Why don't you want to say you're sorry? What could I do to make it
easier for you two to get along? Aspies have a keen sense of injustice, and
even if there ends up being nothing you can do, asking will show him that
you and his brother aren't conspiring against him :) I remember wishing very
badly that my mother would take the trouble to get her story straight before
punishing me.
Finally, Aspies, like autistics more broadly, do have trouble knowing
what's socially appropriate, more so at early ages. (You may have seen some
of this coming out in my playground story above.) By now I'm sure he's
gotten the message that he's not supposed to hit people, but he may not know
what to do instead. You might try encouraging him to tell his brother when
he's bothering him -- or, if that doesn't work, to tell you!
Hope you find some of this helpful! Good luck with both your sons!
--Brian

Should I stop him from stimming?

Q: Hi Wiley/Brian,

My son was diagnosed with PDD at 18 months and then at 3 with ASD. He is now 5 and nonverbal, other than a few words. My son does alot of stimulatory behaviors, mostly hand-flapping. I don't try to stop him, but some of the therapist seem to think that I should not allow him to continue. My thoughts are if he is doing this behavior, he "needs" to do this behavior for his own reasons. So my question is twofold: Why does he do this behavior, and should I allow him to continue, or should I intervene and try to stop him?

Thanks for your site!

Lisa

A: There are a lot of autism-related issues about which the Aspies I know are
divided. This isn't one of them. Lisa, I think you're handling this exactly
right, and I applaud your faith in your son having "his own reasons" for
self-stimulation. For an autistic child -- heck, for an autistic adult, even
-- "stimming" is automatic and enjoyable, and it can be painful to suppress.
Once in a while I hear about a child whose preferred mode of stimming
involves physically hurting himself, and that's clearly no good, but even
then it's usually possible to deal with the problem by helping the child
change the way that he stims rather than the fact that he stims.

So, why self-stimulation? I asked this question myself at a meeting of the
Aspie group at my college campus. Opinions differed, but everyone seemed to
share an intuition that it was related to stress. Life can be very stressful
for an autistic child, for any number of reasons, many of which are
unfortunately beyond your control to do anything about. Autistic people tend
to have very intense sensory experiences -- some, for instance, lack the
ability to "filter out" noises, like the hum of the air conditioning or the
sound of cars passing outside, that most people are able to disregard
without even thinking about it. Social situations can be similarly intense;
people are *weird*, and hard to understand. Having so many words and
behaviors coming at you at the same time can be overwhelming, especially for
a nonverbal child.
So why does this stress lead to stimming? Stimming, I think, is a way of
moderating that stress. It creates a single, separable, predictable sensory
experience which is under the autistic person's complete control. The stim
serves as both a channel for all that nervous energy and as a focus for
concentration by which to "turn down the volume" on all that light and sound
and information. (Paradoxically, we can process all that stuff better when
the volume is turned down than when it's cranked up.) I don't think it's an
exaggeration to say that stimming is one way of keeping ourselves from going
insane!
This explanation is two parts introspection to one part psychoanalysis. I
don't really know for sure why I like stimming, any more than you probably
know for sure why you like, say, asparagus. But I know that if someone
leveled a gun to my head and told me to stop stimming, I would still find it
difficult or impossible to do so. Autism can cause a lot of problems for a
growing child, but stimming, far from being one of those problems, is a way
of coping with those problems. Though you should be aware that I don't have
the colorful certificates on my walls that your therapists do, I encourage
you to think very carefully about this matter before you decide to follow
their advice.
--Brian

Echolalia

Q: Can you comment on your experiences with echolalia.

I have a 3 year old daughter who has both immediate and delayed echolalia. I have read that many individuals on the spectrum have echolalia. She has not had a formal assessment yet, but we are planning to take her soon..

If you have echolalia, does that necessarily mean that you have Asperger's or Autism?

Thank you,

Elizabeth

A: Hmm! You're quite right that lots of people on the autistic spectrum have
had issues with echolalia. Unfortunately (well, fortunately for me), I'm not
one of them. So I can't speak very well from experience here, though perhaps
Wiley or Lynn will have something to contribute. What I can do is answer the
latter part of your question: does echolalia necessarily mean your daughter
has an autistic-spectrum disorder? The answer to this question is no. You
can find here a
page about echolalia; while the header is "Echolalia and Autism," it
contains lots of information that will be helpful to anyone concerned about
echolalia. (A nearby header, "Echolalia References," contains the quite
straightforward sentence, "Having echolalia does not mean the person
absolutely has autism but it can be a symptom of autism." I'd say that
pretty much sums it up.) The page I linked to above includes the following
quote, which I hope you find reassuring:
"Even echolalia is a normal way to learn language. Most children use
echolalia to learn language. The majority of children babble in a rhythmic
way, which is actually mimicking the cadence of our language. Later, they
copy sounds, words, and eventually phrases and sentences that they hear
adults use in specific, repetitive contexts. This is known as the "gestalt"
style of language acquisition. Gestalt means whole, therefore, learning
language in gestalt form would be learning it in chunks rather than the tiny
component sounds and specific meaning of each individual sound or even
word."
That said, I would be remiss if I didn't add that a spectrum disorder is a
real possibility, especially if you have other reasons to think your
daughter might have neurological differences. I hasten to add that not every
disorder on the spectrum has to be the end of the world -- I rather like
having Asperger's -- though it's true that crippling forms of classical
autism pretty much suck for all concerned.
I hope your challenges with echolalia subside over time, and that your
daughter's diagnosis comes out for the best! Best of luck!
--Brian

Potty Training

Q: I just discovered you guys and I'm excited!  I'm mom to a great 8.9 yo non-verbal boy with autism.  We have lots of issues, not the least of which is consistent use of the potty.

 

We are sometimes successful with #1....but only if I guess in advance when he will need to go.....but he absolutely refuses to poop in the pot.  What's up with that?

 

Thanks

 

Peg P

A: I don't really remember anything about being potty trained, so I don't
know if I had problems with it or not.  But I have heard from other
autistics I know that they didn't like the feeling of empty space under
their buttocks.  Perhaps if you could find a toilet seat with a
particularly wide brim, so that as much of his rear end was supported
as possible, he'd be more open to the idea.  That's really the only
thing I can think of.

Best of luck,
Wiley

Right-wing Aspies?

Q: First, let me say how glad I am you have this website. My 4-year old son is an Aspie. Anyway, if you had to guess, do you think most Aspies would fall into any particular religious or political camp? I know that's a tough question unless some kind of survey has been done. I ask because it seems that due to the "rage for order" many ASD people have, they might tend to lean towards the right in both religion and politics. I hope I am wrong about this, though. I'm proud to have an Aspie for a son, but a Republican would be hard to accept... ;)

Sharon

A: Congratulations, you win today's "Fun Question of the Day" award ^_^
All three of our panelists wanted to answer your question, so here are
all three answers:

From Brian:
Oh ho ho, you have opened one heck of a can of worms! We've talked about
this question quite a bit at club meetings. I'll try to keep my answer short
so that other panelists can add to it.
First, I know Aspies who fall in a number of places on the religious and
political spectrums (not to mention the autistic one). There is a certain
degree to which the "rage for order" does impact both religion and politics.
But the fact is that "order" doesn't have to mean authoritarianism; it can
just mean coherence. Fundamentalism is coherent. So is atheism. So are a
number of points in between. (I'm not a Catholic, but I get quite annoyed
when Catholics do something the Pope, rest his soul, has told them not to do
-- not because I love the Pope, but because it makes them seem incoherent!)
The plurality of the Aspies I know, however, don't believe in a conventional
God, or have no opinion on the matter (though they are without exception
kind and moral people). There are also those that do.
Similarly with politics. The Republicans may be the control freaks of our
political spectrum, but the Democrats are no less ardent in pursuing their
own brand of social justice. Meanwhile, I'm a Libertarian. (Now *there*'s a
coherent philosophy -- government's function is to protect its citizens'
life, liberty, and property, and that's about it!) My shot-in-the-dark
limited-sample-size anecdotal-evidence-based guess is that Aspies tend to be
more liberal than conservative, partly because it's the liberals who are
less likely to throw rocks at us (or try to exorcise the evil demons
possessing us, as I understand one Aspie's mother did). On the other hand, I
know Republicans who are wonderful, tolerant people. It takes all kinds.
--Brian

From Wiley:
I would bet you could find an Aspie for every possible political or
religious belief. But I have noticed a couple of trends:
1) There are a lot of Aspie libertarians. (I'm deliberately using a
small 'L' there, plenty of them have issues with the actual Libertarian
party.) It's basically a grown-up version of the Aspie childhood
rejection of "Because I said so" arguments by adults.
2) There are a lot of Aspie hard-core liberals. I put myself in this
catagory. Aspies tend to have a very strong sense of fairness, and if
they don't take the libertarian path of constanly defending their own
rights, they often wind up working towards defending the rights of
other people. And they tend to find concepts like racism and
homophobia to be illogical, which they are.
3) There are a lot of Aspies who reject organized religion. They may
have personal spiritual beliefs, but reject the idea that you should
hold something as a religious belief because a book or a person told
you to. Again, this is a catagory I put myself in. I had to describe
my religious beliefs in a single sentence the other day and came up
with "What you get when you combine a neopagan, an atheist, and Baruch
Spinoza." A lot of these Aspies who feel this way about orthodox (in
the origional meaning of the word) religions but still want the social
structure of a Church become Unitarian Universalists.
4) There are a lot of Aspies who like the automatic social structure
provided by religions like the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Church of
Latter-Day Saints, or the Church of Scientology where believers
automatically spend the majority of their time in a structured Church
environment. These sorts of churches provide social contact with other
people, but in a nice predictable manner in which everyone has a
clearly defined job.

So there are a number of extremes that Aspies tend to gravitate to.
But there are also a lot of possibilities in between, and if your
family is relatively liberal, I don't think you need to worry too much
about winding up with a blind follower of George Bush. And if you do,
I've heard that with the latest ABA techniques they're getting close to
curing Republican Syndrome ^_^

Wiley

From Lynn:
I would just like to add this to what the other panelists have said. I was
talking to my brother's girlfriend about how you choose a religious path,
and she said I must have chosen Catholicism because I like firm rules to
obey. I wish I had thought to say this to her, but I actually resisted
converting for a long time because I like rules so much (my family isn't
anything in particular, and I attended various Protestant churches
previously). I know that what I like isn't always a good indicator of what
is good for me, and indeed a lot of stuff about Catholicism (particularly
the attempt at sensory overload at Mass - rich music, brighly colored
sanctuaries, incense) makes me very uncomfortable, even shaky. I try to
enjoy the parts I can, and assume the rest to be spinach - something I hated
as a child but eat regularly for pleasure as an adult.
-Lynn

Fear of Costumes

Q: Hi,

My son is 12 years old and is afraid of characters in costumes such as Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, etc.  Will he ever outgrow that fear or is there something I can do to help him or do you just avoid it at all cost?

A: Lots of kids - even neurotypical kids - don't like people in costumes.  I
saw an article around Christmas on kids that freaked out when sat on Santa's
lap.  Perhaps it's the fact that it's a mask - a false appearance on top of
the already troubling human face.  Strangeness upon strangeness.  He will
more than likely grow out of it.  You could try encouraging him to dress
himself up, to show that it's just a person under there, but don't force it.
-Lynn

Three questions in one!

Q: I just got an email from one of the support groups I am apart of, with a
reference to your site.

I am a parent of 3 kids, one with Autism. My autistic son is 7 years old. I
do have a lot of questions for those of you who have been there, and can
articulate what you feel and experience. My son is still young, so I hope
that as he matures, he will be able to articulate and express to me what he
is feeling as you all do. Thanks for creating this site, and trying to help
others!

A quick quick glimpse at some of the behaviors that I would love insight and
or commentary from your experiences are, and I did not see the answers in
frequently asked question (My questions are not private, so you may post
them and your answers, but please email me back as well):

My son has a phenomenal memory. Just shy oven 7 years old, he can recall and
recite anything he has heard or seen, especially when it has an order (like
birthdates, or the sequence of U.S. Presidents, songs that he has not heard
since he was an infant etc.). Should I be encouraging his odd obsession with
dates/sequences etc. (by encouraging this talent, (I mean at this age when
he is so little, do I buy the books or engage in the memory games to further
nurture the obsession, or redirect the inclination to more neuro-typical
play?)

My son lacks the interest (or ability?) to engage in conversation, just for
the sake of conversation (i.e. How was your day, what did you do today etc…
He will never be the one to initiate such a conversation, and does not
sustain in the conversation when someone else initiates it. He will just
answer your question, and then tune out, or continue what he was doing.)
How do I teach him how to have interest and sustain everyday conversation?

My son has what seems like an uncontrollable need to verbal stim (except for
when he is on the computer or drawing/writing or focusing on something like
a puzzle). When walking, standing in line, in the classroom, at the dinner
table, even during play my son is constantly singing, making some noises of
something that he might be interested in (now at this young age, the
interest is in trucks, so he makes truck noises, or he loves Gardeners, so
he makes lawn mower and leaf blower sounds). The questions I have for you
all, are is it seems his natural state of being is one that is always,
singing out loud, making out loud sounds, or saying whatever is on his mind
irrelevant of what is going on around him (i.e. in the classroom, while
everyone is listening to the teacher read a book, or give an instruction, he
has to be verbalizing something). How do I help him control his need to
verbalize everything that comes to his unique mind?

With great appreciation for your insight here! From a loving Mom!

A: Hi there! Sorry it's taken a while to get back to you; we've been trying to
fend off a blizzard of emails with a hair dryer almost since going online!
So, you have three questions, and I have three answers. Hopefully they're
answers to the right questions. Let's start at the beginning...
I think it's great that your son is so gifted in the memory department!
Many autistic kids have a talent for trivia, but it sounds like yours is
more so than most. Me, I say that if you have a phenomenal talent, you
should nurture it :) There are plenty of places where such memory could come
in handy, from winning Jeopardy to remembering the contents of his biology
textbook once he gets to high school. Pursuing such an ability at the
expense of other important things, like school, therapy, taking care of the
dog, and so on would be no good, of course. But I think pursuing it at the
expense of neurotypical play is healthy; autistic kids aren't neurotypical,
so why should they act neurotypical on their own time? (I'm in college. The
normal way many neurotypicals "play" here involves drunken parties. I like
to think that sitting in my room reading, the more Aspie option, is a valid
alternative choice :) ) You're right, though, to think about to what extent
your son should be able to mimic neurotypical behavior; this is a theme I'll
return to in the next couple questions.

Number two! Small talk and the like. I know how your son feels... my
perception, which is shared by most of us in the autistic community and many
people outside it, is that an awful lot of human conversation is more for
the purpose of demonstrating our caring about each other (or pretending to)
than for actual communication. This takes autistic kids a while to figure
out, because of what's been called "mind-blindness;" it's not until rather
late in our development that we can figure out what other people are feeling
and why they feel that way. When you say "how was your day?" what you mean
is "I care about you and want to know how you're doing," but to your son it
likely sounds more like "how was your day?" That's a question that can be
adequately answered with "it was okay," so that's what he says. He's
probably not trying to be reticent; he's just answering the question he
heard. On one hand, that's understandable. On the other hand, I for one
wouldn't be able to function socially if I couldn't read subtext! If my own
experience is any guide, this is something your son will grow out of
naturally to some extent, as he comes to understand that information is not
the only thing language can convey! Meanwhile, you can help him learn to
read subtext by explaining to him in real time why people the two of you
encounter are saying the things they say. ("I asked the teller how she was
because it's a nice way to show people that you value them.") The rules are
more confusing than you might think!
I'm pleased to hear your son is so verbal -- plenty of mothers of autistic
kids have the opposite problem :) Your son's sometimes-inappropriate
verboseness is something a lot of autistics have to deal with. I talk to
myself almost constantly when in private, as do many of the Aspies I know --
it's partly to organize my thoughts, and partly to entertain myself! When I
was young, though, the proviso about being in private wasn't one I'd learned
yet. (My first diagnosis was ADHD, because someone who insists on pointing
out what the fish in the classroom aquarium is doing while his teacher is
trying to teach arithmetic can superficially look like an ADHD patient; it
wasn't until later that we figured out ADHD wasn't the issue! To this day I
talk a lot in class, though I've redirected it to asking the professor the
many questions that invariably go through my mind as he explains the lesson
of the day.) Ultimately, the reason why talking aloud in public isn't
usually appropriate is that it disturbs others; this is something you can
try explaining to your son. ("The teacher wants to teach the lesson, and
your classmates want to learn. Being in a quiet room helps people teach and
learn. You can help them by not making noise, so that they can concentrate
better.") At the same time, you might want to be wary of sending the message
that talking to oneself is *never* appropriate; this is another area where I
think autistics are "different but okay." (And neurotypical kids are noisy
too!) Whatever rules you'd like your child to follow about when it's okay to
talk a blue streak, do your best to explain them so that they make sense to
someone who has trouble figuring out what other people are feeling without
being told.
Whew! Hope this helps you! It sounds like your son is gratifyingly high
functioning, and I hope continuing to bring him up will be rewarding for
you. Let me know if you have more questions! Thanks for writing!
--Brian

What's the deal with ABA?

**Note: This is a controversial subject, and while we want our answers available to curious parents, we also don't want anybody to feel uncomfortable email us because they disagree with the opinions of individual panelists. So when you read this, please keep in mind that it is merely the opinion of one panelist, not any sort of official AskAnAspie stand on the issue.**

Q: At the risk of opening a can of worms, what's the deal with ABA?

A: that is indeed a can of worms, but right now the lid is only half off. If you ask a slightly more specific question, the worms can escape and go live free in the wild as worms were meant to do ^_^

Wiley

Q:My son is in preschool and they use a mostly ABA approach in the autism program he attends. He really seems to like school though, and is really attached to his therapists and teachers. It looks to me, the outside observer, mostly like play time. They do a lot of really fun things in there and I watch him every day through an observation window. obviously I want what is best for my son and I don't want to be putting him through some sort of toddler torture session. I want him to be able to be who he is and be a happy, well adjusted person.

I just question myself at every turn because there are so many differing opinions out there and I want to be doing right by him. He does not talk yet but is very intelligent. He is not completely "checked out" of my universe and he communicates with me in other ways. He seeks out human contact and loves hugs and loves to be touched. He just doesn't talk. He also has some sensory integration issues, the most concerning of which is proprioceptive --he runs into things a lot and falls a lot.

I know I am rambling here. I am apprehensive about getting the "do not cure us" philosophy whacked over my head but I feel I owe it to my son --he can't make his own decisions right now. I am pretty sure he will be HFA, but being nonverbal and only 2, we do not know. We do suspect, however, that my husband and his brother (Will's father and uncle) have undiagnosed Asperger's. My husband was hyperlexic and echolalic as a child, has quirky social behaviors and a prodigious brain that works sort of like a lint trap --he collects everything in there. He was a 2 time Jeopardy! champion a couple years ago. If Will grows up quirky like his dad, I will be happy. Hell, I am a little quirky too, come to think of it --maybe a lot. :) OK, Wiley, let them worms out. Am I doing a disservice to my son? How would I know this?

Tracy

A: While I can understand your apprehension, I've run into adult autistics who feel anything with two A's and a B in the name is the equivalent of child abuse, I want to reassure you that here at AskAnAspie we are committed to never whacking anybody over the head with anything (except the occasional fish, because that's too funny to resist). And I also want to make clear that what I'm saying now I'm saying as Wiley Sherer, not as a representative of AskAnAspie.

I think that fifteen, ten, in some areas even five years ago, ABA was, on the whole, a profoundly negative influence on the children exposed to it. I have a number of friends online who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of their time in old-school ABA. And I think that even today there are a number of ABA programs that put WAY too much emphasis on aversives. But I think that, in terms of method, there are also plenty of modern ABA programs who are perfectly fine. If your son enjoys his therapy, his program probably falls in the latter catagory.

That brings us to the question of motive. Is the program aiming to produce a "completely normal child" or simply to give the child skills he'll need later in life? Programs aiming at "normal" often wind up teaching kids that their autistic tendancies are Bad and Wrong and that it is never ok to engage in, for example, handflapping. These sorts of programs can really hurt a child's self-esteem and make him feel like he needs to put on a performance all the time. This can lead to stress-related breakdowns later in life. But if the program teaches him HOW to do things and not that he must do them to be a good person, it's a whole different kettle of fish. How to make eye contact, how to engage in a conversation, how to realize when it is and isn't appropriate to stim. Because while activities like handflapping are not only not a bad thing but actually a positive way of relieving stress, I'll be the first one to admit that it's not a good thing to do during a job interview.

The last note I'll make is something I've read a lot about in the Deaf history segments of my ASL class. And that is that it's important not to disregard basic education in the rush for special education. There is a generation of Deaf adults in the US who are functionally illiterate because the oralist schools they attended focused so heavily on speech therapy that they were never taught anything else. Not that this is a particular concern with a two-year old, but it's something to keep in mind as he gets older.

So there they are, all the worms in my particular ABA can. I hope they don't make me seem like a wild-eyed radical, but even if they do, please keep in mind that these are not conclusions I've come to lightly. I've spent a lot of time thinking about these issues, and I've spent a lot of time talking to parents, professionals, and adult autistics on both sides of the issue. And I hope you'll give as much thought to my position as I've given to putting it together.

Wiley