Post High School Freezing?

Q: Any response would be greatly appreciated:
We have a son graduating with N.Y. regents diploma, did very well in SAT (especially considering limitations of school he attended, with mostly one-on-one teaching, except for social studies where he did NOT participate).
He recently stated he does not want to go to college (why start if you do not know what exactly that you want to do/major in), maybe wants a job, afraid to learn to drive, and anything we suggest he will immediately refuse. It was as if he turned 18, wants to be independent, but does not know how (through lack of experience or previous willingness for us to show/help him). He was previously interested in hiking and mountain climbing, with father, but has since stopped.
We are looking into adult services that might help him reach whatever goals he has. We are very concerned since he always has a plan, a schedule, and that he does not have one for after June, high school graduation.
(1) Does/Did anyone identify with any of his feelings?
(2)Any suggestions of how to communicate with him?
(3) Any services known/schools that might be helpful?

Many thanks for your time and response. A very concerned Mother who just wants to help. Barbara D.

A: Mmm. I had some of those feelings myself when I graduated high school. One
difference for me was that I never really questioned whether I wanted to go
to college; it had always been assumed that since my grades were excellent
and I loved to learn, college was the right place for me. Which I think it
was, but once I got here it took me a long time to convince myself of that;
only recently have I started being darned glad I'm here.
It has bothered me to no end that I don't have a coherent goal for myself.
My dad says, he hopes reassuringly, that there are very few people out there
with a driving passion, and that most just end up taking whatever
opportunities present themselves after college. To me that always sounded
like "everyone else is as miserable as you are; give yourself a break,"
which is an awfully bittersweet message. Still, the part about giving
oneself a break is darn good advice. The situation your son finds himself in
now, if he's anything like me, is that he needs a plan for the future to
feel safe, but hates the thought of committing to a plan that will take him
down a road he dislikes. Sometimes this can feel like a choice between
having a bad future on the one hand, and no future at all on the other.

I'm glad to say that I'm getting over this, slowly but surely. This is
largely because here in college I've found a major (linguistics) that
involves doing work I enjoy day-by-day, and almost coincidentally happens to
lead down a career path that I find acceptable. For this reason, most of the
time I don't have to think about my future; if I take care of each passing
day, the future will take care of itself. Reaching this point, I think, is
hard for everyone, but especially for Aspies; our especial need for security
and routine makes transitional periods, and imagining future transitional
periods, potentially very anxiety-provoking. This only reinforces the need
to find something one can focus on day to day.
I mention all this because it sounds like your son is very future-oriented;
it's no wonder he feels so lost! I think there are about two ways people who
think this way get to feel motivated. One is to establish the missing
long-term goal. A vocational test might be helpful for this; if nothing
else, it will bring up possibilities you may not have considered! (On the
other hand, if it *doesn't*, it may just reinforce your son's feeling of
aimlessness.) The other, which takes a long time, is to mitigate that future
orientation and find something enjoyable you can pursue day by day, trusting
that this will lead (perhaps obliquely) to a career. Not that it has to be
one or the other; my own "solution" at the moment is an admixture of the
two. But unfortunately, there is no way I know to make someone either
motivated or in the moment. It's something that develops over time.
That said, there is a way you can help: by continuing to offer your support
to your son. There is no rule that says you have to get pushed out of the
nest at 18, to fly or fall. Here at college I go home for every vacation; my
wings are tired and I need to rest them. And knowing I can talk to my
parents when I need to is incredibly helpful. It may be very frustrating not
to be able to do more for your son -- God knows how much my parents went
through for this reason -- but it's like Frodo and the One Ring: no one else
can carry it for him.
--Brian
"I can only show you the door. You're the one who has to walk through it."
--Morpheus, *The Matrix*