Rebel with an Aspie Cause

Q: I found this site so informative.  Thank you all for spending your time and energy to help the younger Aspies make it in the world.  I have an 8 yo. son diagnosed with AS and ADHD.

1)  My son has trouble following directions.  Sometimes he just doesn't respond at all and at other times he gets lost on the way to completing the task at hand.  It seems like his brain is either on lock-down or leaks.  I want to know how to help him with this problem.  Do you have any tools that you use to help with this?

2)  My son likes to argue about almost everything (this has gotten significantly better since I started a new program for him).  I had one adult HFA friend tell me he argues because he thinks he is equal to me and doesn't understand authority.  I just want to know if other Aspies also have this way of thinking or have any other insight on why he does this?  Also, any tips on eliminating this all together would be awesome.

3)  The other day, he wanted to wash his hands in the kitchen sink.  It was full of dishes and since he is short, I asked him to go into the bathroom.  He had a meltdown and proceded to try to shove me out of the way for about 20 minutes.  I stayed calm and continually directed him into the bathroom.  Finally, he gave up and went into the bathroom to wash his hands.  It is like he has brain freeze or else he just enjoys torturing me.  Do you have any insight on what is going on in his head and how I can help him get unstuck?

Thanks.

Annette mom to David

A: I can't speak to your first question, I've always been pretty good at
following directions as long as they were clear and precise.  The only
advice I can offer is to make sure that you tell him exactly what you
want him to do: for example, to an Aspie, when someone asks you to "go
check if the mail is here yet" that does not mean that one needs to
bring the mail back, or even necessarily tell the person who asked
whether the mail is there or not, merely that one needs to find out for
oneself whether or not the mail is there.

For your second question, I think the only real solution is to give him
a reason to accept your authority.  "Because I said so" is not a valid
reason for Aspies, and in general it takes a long time for Aspies to
learn the self control they need to accept the logic that even though
"Because I said so" is not a valid reason, the fact that they will get
into trouble if they do not comply is a valid reason.  Most Aspies do
figure it out eventually, but in general we're much easier to pursuade
with logic than with brute force.  Explain why you need him to do
things.  Explain why, in a given situation, you are better able to make
a decision than he is.  The trick is to make sure he knows the
reasoning behind the authority and that it's not just random.

I think a lot of that applies to your third question as well.  Tell him
why it doesn't make sense to wash his hands in the kitchen sink.  If he
doesn't believe you that it won't work, let him try.  If he has as much
trouble with it as you expect he will, he will be more likely to trust
your judgement the next time around. Aspies have a very strong sense of
injustice, and when we think we're being treated unfairly, we can get
incredibly stubborn and upset. But I very much doubt that he's
deliberately torturing you.  He probably doesn't even realize that he's
doing it.  He's just trying to achieve "fairness" as he sees it.

Wiley