Three questions in one!

Q: I just got an email from one of the support groups I am apart of, with a
reference to your site.

I am a parent of 3 kids, one with Autism. My autistic son is 7 years old. I
do have a lot of questions for those of you who have been there, and can
articulate what you feel and experience. My son is still young, so I hope
that as he matures, he will be able to articulate and express to me what he
is feeling as you all do. Thanks for creating this site, and trying to help
others!

A quick quick glimpse at some of the behaviors that I would love insight and
or commentary from your experiences are, and I did not see the answers in
frequently asked question (My questions are not private, so you may post
them and your answers, but please email me back as well):

My son has a phenomenal memory. Just shy oven 7 years old, he can recall and
recite anything he has heard or seen, especially when it has an order (like
birthdates, or the sequence of U.S. Presidents, songs that he has not heard
since he was an infant etc.). Should I be encouraging his odd obsession with
dates/sequences etc. (by encouraging this talent, (I mean at this age when
he is so little, do I buy the books or engage in the memory games to further
nurture the obsession, or redirect the inclination to more neuro-typical
play?)

My son lacks the interest (or ability?) to engage in conversation, just for
the sake of conversation (i.e. How was your day, what did you do today etc…
He will never be the one to initiate such a conversation, and does not
sustain in the conversation when someone else initiates it. He will just
answer your question, and then tune out, or continue what he was doing.)
How do I teach him how to have interest and sustain everyday conversation?

My son has what seems like an uncontrollable need to verbal stim (except for
when he is on the computer or drawing/writing or focusing on something like
a puzzle). When walking, standing in line, in the classroom, at the dinner
table, even during play my son is constantly singing, making some noises of
something that he might be interested in (now at this young age, the
interest is in trucks, so he makes truck noises, or he loves Gardeners, so
he makes lawn mower and leaf blower sounds). The questions I have for you
all, are is it seems his natural state of being is one that is always,
singing out loud, making out loud sounds, or saying whatever is on his mind
irrelevant of what is going on around him (i.e. in the classroom, while
everyone is listening to the teacher read a book, or give an instruction, he
has to be verbalizing something). How do I help him control his need to
verbalize everything that comes to his unique mind?

With great appreciation for your insight here! From a loving Mom!

A: Hi there! Sorry it's taken a while to get back to you; we've been trying to
fend off a blizzard of emails with a hair dryer almost since going online!
So, you have three questions, and I have three answers. Hopefully they're
answers to the right questions. Let's start at the beginning...
I think it's great that your son is so gifted in the memory department!
Many autistic kids have a talent for trivia, but it sounds like yours is
more so than most. Me, I say that if you have a phenomenal talent, you
should nurture it :) There are plenty of places where such memory could come
in handy, from winning Jeopardy to remembering the contents of his biology
textbook once he gets to high school. Pursuing such an ability at the
expense of other important things, like school, therapy, taking care of the
dog, and so on would be no good, of course. But I think pursuing it at the
expense of neurotypical play is healthy; autistic kids aren't neurotypical,
so why should they act neurotypical on their own time? (I'm in college. The
normal way many neurotypicals "play" here involves drunken parties. I like
to think that sitting in my room reading, the more Aspie option, is a valid
alternative choice :) ) You're right, though, to think about to what extent
your son should be able to mimic neurotypical behavior; this is a theme I'll
return to in the next couple questions.

Number two! Small talk and the like. I know how your son feels... my
perception, which is shared by most of us in the autistic community and many
people outside it, is that an awful lot of human conversation is more for
the purpose of demonstrating our caring about each other (or pretending to)
than for actual communication. This takes autistic kids a while to figure
out, because of what's been called "mind-blindness;" it's not until rather
late in our development that we can figure out what other people are feeling
and why they feel that way. When you say "how was your day?" what you mean
is "I care about you and want to know how you're doing," but to your son it
likely sounds more like "how was your day?" That's a question that can be
adequately answered with "it was okay," so that's what he says. He's
probably not trying to be reticent; he's just answering the question he
heard. On one hand, that's understandable. On the other hand, I for one
wouldn't be able to function socially if I couldn't read subtext! If my own
experience is any guide, this is something your son will grow out of
naturally to some extent, as he comes to understand that information is not
the only thing language can convey! Meanwhile, you can help him learn to
read subtext by explaining to him in real time why people the two of you
encounter are saying the things they say. ("I asked the teller how she was
because it's a nice way to show people that you value them.") The rules are
more confusing than you might think!
I'm pleased to hear your son is so verbal -- plenty of mothers of autistic
kids have the opposite problem :) Your son's sometimes-inappropriate
verboseness is something a lot of autistics have to deal with. I talk to
myself almost constantly when in private, as do many of the Aspies I know --
it's partly to organize my thoughts, and partly to entertain myself! When I
was young, though, the proviso about being in private wasn't one I'd learned
yet. (My first diagnosis was ADHD, because someone who insists on pointing
out what the fish in the classroom aquarium is doing while his teacher is
trying to teach arithmetic can superficially look like an ADHD patient; it
wasn't until later that we figured out ADHD wasn't the issue! To this day I
talk a lot in class, though I've redirected it to asking the professor the
many questions that invariably go through my mind as he explains the lesson
of the day.) Ultimately, the reason why talking aloud in public isn't
usually appropriate is that it disturbs others; this is something you can
try explaining to your son. ("The teacher wants to teach the lesson, and
your classmates want to learn. Being in a quiet room helps people teach and
learn. You can help them by not making noise, so that they can concentrate
better.") At the same time, you might want to be wary of sending the message
that talking to oneself is *never* appropriate; this is another area where I
think autistics are "different but okay." (And neurotypical kids are noisy
too!) Whatever rules you'd like your child to follow about when it's okay to
talk a blue streak, do your best to explain them so that they make sense to
someone who has trouble figuring out what other people are feeling without
being told.
Whew! Hope this helps you! It sounds like your son is gratifyingly high
functioning, and I hope continuing to bring him up will be rewarding for
you. Let me know if you have more questions! Thanks for writing!
--Brian