Why are Aspies so bossy?

Q: Why do Aspies always have to be in charge when they're playing with other kids? Why can't they see that from the perspective of the other kids they're being bossy and ruining the game?

A: I started a lot of clubs in my day. At one point in second grade I started a lemonade-stand style jewelry business selling simple beaded necklaces, and at the highpoint had actually hired nearly half of my second grade class. I even drew up contracts specifying job descriptions and payment details.

At some point, I would put it right around fourth grade, I did figure out that most people didn't like play that was that structured. It's another aspect of the giant "I am living in a society of crazy people" realization that aspies have to make before they can move into a more sophisticated understanding of how neurotypicals work. One point that I think tends to get botched in a lot of the literature written by professionals is that it's not as much that aspies aren't trying to see things from other people's perspectives as that they are working from a different set of assumptions from neurotypicals. Neurotypicals can build their understanding of other people's feelings by building from their own feelings. But aspies tend to react to situations differently than neurotypicals, so they have to a) realize that they can't use their own emotions to predict the emotions of others and b) start from scratch. To an aspie, structured play with defined rules and a particular type of fairness is more fun. Given that the structure is not inherently there and none of the other kids are providing it, the aspie steps in to make the game better. The other kids see this as being bossy and ruining the game. But eventually most aspies eventually figure out that they can't assume other people are going to think the same way they do, and after that they tend to make a lot of improvement in predicting other people's reactions to things.