"You're not my friend anymore."

Q: Hi Wiley and Brian,

This is great!!!! I have a 7yr. son with Aspergers. He was diagnosed at age 4. He is starting to make friends, but when they do something on accident he tends to hurt their feelings by saying he's not their friend anymore. What advice could you give to help him with this? Another question, do you know any married couples where one spouse has Aspergers and the other doesn't not? What advice would you give to the one with out Aspergers on how to communicate to that person?

Sincerely,

Amy
Rockford,IL

A: It sounds to me, in my unprofessional opinion, like your son is going
through a stage which a lot of kids have to deal with, but which might
be worse for Aspies. It takes us so long to develop a "theory of
mind" -- that is to say, to understand what makes other people,
especially neurotypical people, tick -- that it's very possible your
son doesn't really understand that other people make mistakes and that
he is hurting them by telling them they're not his friend. It might
be worthwhile to sit him down after something like this happens and
explain to him quite directly that people make mistakes. Remind him
of a mistake he's made (nothing too emotionally charged), and explain
to him that just like he sometimes does things by accident, other
people do too. This may seem obvious to you, but autistic children,
including Aspies, have trouble figuring out in what ways other people
are like them and in what ways they're not. While you're at it, you
might ask him (kindly, not too forcefully) how he would feel if a
friend told him they didn't like him anymore, and help him understand
that that's how his friends feel when he does the same. Don't get
frustrated; it may take several tries to get him to understand.

While I don't know of any couples where one spouse has Asperger's and
the other doesn't, there are a number of books that have been
published on this subject, treating the problem from both
perspectives. I haven't read any, unfortunately, so I don't know
quite what to recommend; but it might be worth your while to check out
"Asperger's Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships," by Liane Holliday
Willey, and "The Other Half of Asperger's Syndrome," by Maxine C.
Aston. I'm sure both books emphasize "patience" as a key theme!

Hope you find this helpful! Best of luck with your son and husband alike!

--Brian