AskAnAspie

Bringing school stress home

Q: I am the mother of a 6-year-old Aspie boy.  He currently functions
extremely well in mainstream kindergarten; it has been extremely
important for him not to get his folder signed at all this year (a goal
he set for himself, I might add).  However, he is having difficulties
at home with the limits we set for him.  Like all parents, we're just
attempting to keep him safe (he has had an unsettling fascination with
electrical plugs recently) and to teach him kind behavior toward others
(including ourselves) while recognizing his special outlook on the
world.  I realize how stressful school must be for him (partially
because he does behave himself so flawlessly at school), and I think
that some of his argumentativeness stems from a "let down" effect.
Nonetheless, it is taking a toll on our family life.

You guys seem to have such great self-esteem and really enjoy being who
you are; it also sounds like you are close to your parents.  What do
you feel that your parents did or did not do that helped instill
positive traits during elementary school years?  How would you
characterize your childhood relationship with your parents?  We want to
do everything we can to help our son grow into a person who feels good
about himself and his abilities.  Thanks for a website that gives
parents insight into (grown) Aspie minds and thereby provides us
understanding we might not have otherwise.

A:       I love my parents, and I have nothing but good things to say about
their patience in bringing me up.  That said, I realized early on that many
aspects of their life experience were not going to be transferable to me.
Just as they reached a point where my math homework was beyond them, my
social development was not going to proceed on a schedule that they could
recognize.
     Moreover, since I felt the safest with them, I was and am more likely
to lose my temper over small irritations from them than anyone else.  For
instance, my dad asks a lot of inane questions as a relational gambit, which
I don't want to answer because it seems pointless to me.  I get annoyed and
snap at him, and he gets offended because he was only trying to talk to his
daughter about her life.  Maybe he should be more accomodating to me and not
pepper me with empty inquiries, but he's right when he says I need to keep
my temper in check and accept his questions as the friendly overtures they
are.
     Self-esteem is important, but you don't need to particularly work to
improve it.  Plenty of bad people feel good about themselves.  What is
necessary is to show him every day what a good person, a true human being,
is like, and to push him towards being the kind of person he can be proud to
be.  Self-esteem will happen on its own if he feels he is at least trying to
live up to his own idea of the good.  Best of luck.
-Lynn

Stealing money

Q: Dear Askanaspie,

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity.  My daughter was just recently diagnosed with Asperger's and I am just learning to see her behavior with new eyes so your advice will be extremely helpful.

My ten year old Aspie daughter, I believe, has recently taken a fairly large amount of money from my husband and me.  I can't say I saw her do it but it is the case of circumstantial evidence being overwhelming..she was in the proximity of the where the money was removed and the denominations of the money she "found" were exactly the same. This is new territory for me because previously she has been very honest or so obviously dishonest that she came clean pretty quickly.  This time when I gave her with the facts, asked her if she had taken the money, gave her many outs for what I thought were reasonable explanations for why she would have thought it was okay to take the money and given her the opportunity to put the money back, she has vehemently denied that she did anything and insisted that this money mysteriously appeared under her bed.  She also mentioned "finding" a small amount of money in her classroom recently.  I haven't gotten a call from the school about this but after the experience at home, I am worried.  Can you help me understand this behavior?

I could just take the money back but that seems a short term solution destined to create behavior problems elsewhere.  Do you have any suggestions on how I can get her to face the fact that this behavior is wrong and correct it.

Thanks,

Beth

A: I remember when I was five or six I had a tendency to go through my
dad's change bowl and take coins. I saved up $10 in these coins, and
then, very proud of myself, told my parents about it.  They asked where
the money came from.  I said I had taken it from Dad's change bowl.
They took it back.  At the time I couldn't understand why they would do
that.  There was money lying around, they had told me that saving money
was good, and I didn't really make the connection that the money in the
bowl belonged to someone else and was thus not available for saving.

It's possible that this is the problem in this case, but what I find a
lot more troubling is the fact that she isn't telling the truth about
it.  Children with Asperger's don't always have a good idea of what
other people know and what they don't.  She might not realize that you
know she took the money, so she thinks that if she just keeps denying
it you won't "find out".  I think the best bet is to confront her
openly, explain that you know she took the money, explain how you know
she took the money, and that while taking money from other people is
wrong, lying about it is even worse.  The trick is to not only be clear
about the rules, but to be clear about the ways and consequences of
getting caught.

Wiley

Rebel with an Aspie Cause

Q: I found this site so informative.  Thank you all for spending your time and energy to help the younger Aspies make it in the world.  I have an 8 yo. son diagnosed with AS and ADHD.

1)  My son has trouble following directions.  Sometimes he just doesn't respond at all and at other times he gets lost on the way to completing the task at hand.  It seems like his brain is either on lock-down or leaks.  I want to know how to help him with this problem.  Do you have any tools that you use to help with this?

2)  My son likes to argue about almost everything (this has gotten significantly better since I started a new program for him).  I had one adult HFA friend tell me he argues because he thinks he is equal to me and doesn't understand authority.  I just want to know if other Aspies also have this way of thinking or have any other insight on why he does this?  Also, any tips on eliminating this all together would be awesome.

3)  The other day, he wanted to wash his hands in the kitchen sink.  It was full of dishes and since he is short, I asked him to go into the bathroom.  He had a meltdown and proceded to try to shove me out of the way for about 20 minutes.  I stayed calm and continually directed him into the bathroom.  Finally, he gave up and went into the bathroom to wash his hands.  It is like he has brain freeze or else he just enjoys torturing me.  Do you have any insight on what is going on in his head and how I can help him get unstuck?

Thanks.

Annette mom to David

A: I can't speak to your first question, I've always been pretty good at
following directions as long as they were clear and precise.  The only
advice I can offer is to make sure that you tell him exactly what you
want him to do: for example, to an Aspie, when someone asks you to "go
check if the mail is here yet" that does not mean that one needs to
bring the mail back, or even necessarily tell the person who asked
whether the mail is there or not, merely that one needs to find out for
oneself whether or not the mail is there.

For your second question, I think the only real solution is to give him
a reason to accept your authority.  "Because I said so" is not a valid
reason for Aspies, and in general it takes a long time for Aspies to
learn the self control they need to accept the logic that even though
"Because I said so" is not a valid reason, the fact that they will get
into trouble if they do not comply is a valid reason.  Most Aspies do
figure it out eventually, but in general we're much easier to pursuade
with logic than with brute force.  Explain why you need him to do
things.  Explain why, in a given situation, you are better able to make
a decision than he is.  The trick is to make sure he knows the
reasoning behind the authority and that it's not just random.

I think a lot of that applies to your third question as well.  Tell him
why it doesn't make sense to wash his hands in the kitchen sink.  If he
doesn't believe you that it won't work, let him try.  If he has as much
trouble with it as you expect he will, he will be more likely to trust
your judgement the next time around. Aspies have a very strong sense of
injustice, and when we think we're being treated unfairly, we can get
incredibly stubborn and upset. But I very much doubt that he's
deliberately torturing you.  He probably doesn't even realize that he's
doing it.  He's just trying to achieve "fairness" as he sees it.

Wiley

I, Robot

Q: I have a 12 year old Aspie son who tells me he really doesn't feel much in the way of missing people when they are gone for a while. Does this ever go away?

When children pick on him in school he calls them ignorant and then tells me he doesn't feel upset when they tease him. Is this possible? Are all aspies disconnected from their feelings?

He has the ability to be very affectionate to me (his mom) rarely to anyone else. For me this  is very difficult to understand can you explain?

Thanks,

Lia

A: Hi Lia,
I think it's not that Aspies are disconnected from their feelings so
much as they don't have the same emotional reactions to things as NTs.
I've never really missed people very much either.  I love my parents
and enjoy spending time with them, but I can talk to them on the phone,
so the fact that we aren't living in the same state anymore doesn't
seem particularly important.  And I think that while being teased does
wear at you eventually, being able to see through it to the bullies'
insecurities and ignorance and not be bothered as much by it is a
really wonderful advantage. It's not that we're bottling anything up,
it's just that we don't have as strong a response as some people have.
We also may have different ways of expressing emotions.  For example,
if we like spending time with someone, we might express that by
spending more time with them, and not realize that they need to be
actually told that we enjoy spending time with them.  But in general, I
think that Aspies are just as in touch with their emotions as anyone
else.

Wiley

Why won't he apologize for hitting his brother?

Q: My aspie son is 7 1/2. He has a younger brother who is almost 4. My older son has begun to hit and punch the younger one when he "bothers" him. He actually punched his brother in the private parts last night. After talking with my aspie son for quite a while we decided to 1) take away a favorite toy for one week or until he finally shows some remorse for hitting (he has many other favorite toys) and 2) to make him say he was sorry. He absolutely refused so I made him write it.

So I have two questions. The first is: What can I do about my aspie's intolerance of his brother? The second is: Why is saying he is sorry so difficult for my aspie?

Thanks for any and all comments.

Kelly

A: They're difficult questions that you ask, but I'll try to shed some light on
them! I wonder, based on your email, what reason your Aspie son thinks he
has for hitting his brother. Aspies, even when children, rarely do things
for no reason, even if the reason is somewhat obscure and/or no excuse for
their actions. How is it, exactly, that his brother is bothering him? If
your younger son is intentionally making life tough for his brother, your
elder son may not be the only one who needs a lecture :) When I was about
that age, I dealt with older boys on the playground who would frequently
verbally harass me; I would respond by trying to hit them. Naturally, I was
the one who was disciplined -- and while that was appropriate, I can't help
but feel that I wasn't the only one who had acted wrongly. And I sure as
heck wasn't going to apologize to my verbal tormentors! Back then, in my
mind, they deserved it.
Now, if your younger son isn't intentionally molesting his brother (be it
by teasing him, invading his space after being asked to stop, etc.), then
there may be some sort of misunderstanding between the two. If he's
reasonably high-functioning, I'd encourage you to nonconfrontationally ask
your Aspie son some of these questions yourself! Why did you hit your
brother? Why don't you want to say you're sorry? What could I do to make it
easier for you two to get along? Aspies have a keen sense of injustice, and
even if there ends up being nothing you can do, asking will show him that
you and his brother aren't conspiring against him :) I remember wishing very
badly that my mother would take the trouble to get her story straight before
punishing me.
Finally, Aspies, like autistics more broadly, do have trouble knowing
what's socially appropriate, more so at early ages. (You may have seen some
of this coming out in my playground story above.) By now I'm sure he's
gotten the message that he's not supposed to hit people, but he may not know
what to do instead. You might try encouraging him to tell his brother when
he's bothering him -- or, if that doesn't work, to tell you!
Hope you find some of this helpful! Good luck with both your sons!
--Brian

How can I explain to my NT son?

Q: I have two children, a typical 6 year old boy and an autistic 5 year old boy. My 6 year old is beginning to ask why his brother doesn't want to play with him, why he repeats things over and over, etc. I currently tell him that his brother learns different and that we are all different. Should I, or how do I explain to a 6 year old that his brother is autistic?

I am also a returning college student. I plan on giving my final exam speech on autism. I want to educate my classmates on autism. Now that the rate is 1 in 166, it is very likely that someone will encounter autism, whether it is through their profession or their own children.

Parent looking to understand

A: An interesting question! I don't have direct experience with this,
unfortunately, since I didn't even find out about my *own* autism till quite
late. But I think your six-year-old's questions are fair. I'm not a
professional, but I'd suggest that you frame your explanation in a context
that your six-year-old will be familiar with from school, books, etc.:
everyone is different, our differences are wonderful, and his brother is
different in a special way. No need to actually use the label "autism," I
don't think; one doesn't want to give a child verbal ammunition to use in
the inevitable fights children have ("Mommy/Daddy says you're artistic!").
But you can explain that his brother has an especially difficult time
understanding how other people work, and needs time and kindness to figure
it out. His brother repeats certain words sometimes because he doesn't know
the right thing to say to other people (or at least that's one possibility;
experts differ). I think six-year-olds are smarter than people give them
credit for; he'll likely understand at least part of what you say, and if
you're very lucky he might even take his younger brother under his wing!
It's happened before.
Best of luck!
--Brian