AskAnAspie

Aspies and college admissions

Q: Hi,
I have a 16 year-old son who has Asperger's Syndrome. He is extremely high functioning and will make great college material. Although University of Chicago is one of the colleges on his list to apply, he really is interested in Cal-Tech, Pasadena. I have two questions:
1. His grades are barely 3.0 (normal for a person struggling to maneuver the HS structure), he wasn't allowed extra time for the ACT test, hasn't taken SAT, and PSAT scores haven't come in yet. How can he wow any University with his application? Any hints?
2. Do you have any hints on how he can set a schedule to get his papers done on time, hand in his assignments, follow any type of executive order without any outside assistance from parents or resource person?

I think this is great you have set ASKANASPIE up. Perhaps, in the future, my son can assist other students just as you are doing

Thanks for any reply or assistance

Trudy

A: Wow! My warm congratulations on raising an Aspie who has succeeded so well!
It must've been very trying at times, but the two of you got through it, and
now he's going to college! It's so exciting!
Wowing colleges can be darn tough, as you know. As far as I know the
universities you mention aren't going to throw away applications that have a
3.0 GPA on them. (I understand Harvard could fill each entering freshman
class with nothing but 4.0 students with perfect SAT scores if they wanted
to, but even this most selective of schools takes students with lower scores
and strong applications.) The trick in applying to colleges, as I
understand, is finding your strengths and playing to them. If your son, like
many Aspies, is into theater, see if he can't get a big role in a school
production. If he perseverates on, say, washing machines, maybe he can get a
part-time summer job at an appliance dealer, where he'd get to flaunt his
knowledge in the field. If he doesn't have such concrete interests but is
fascinated with the philosophical grounding of free inquiry (as I was --
Aspies, as you know, are weird), he can try his hand at writing a great
essay about why he's so interested in it and how it affects his thinking or
personal philosophy (colleges *love* that stuff). Regardless, the result is
a line on your application that few other students will have -- and if you
can draw the admissions people's attention to it with (again) an essay about
why this subject matters to you, then you have succeeded in distinguishing
yourself from the pile of blah applications on their desks.
Being disciplined about work is hard for a lot of Aspies, as is being
flexible and resourceful; before I went off to college my dad kept me on
task with work, while my mom came up with solutions to all sorts of personal
and logistical problems that seemed intractable to me. Having less access to
your parents, such great resources (quite above and beyond being such great
people), is bound to be hard. But it sure does force you to develop some
self-sufficiency! Possibly against your will, but it does. I've found an
appointment book tremendously helpful in organizing my work and my time.
Resourcefulness is something that develops by itself as you get to know the
lay of the land; in my third year at Chicago I finally know all the good
coffee shops on campus, where the libraries are, and where to go if I run
out of soap. There's nothing like making friends (give it time and don't
push him!) for the moral support you won't be there to provide. And if worst
comes to worst, you'd be amazed how many professors are willing to give
extensions if you write them a nice email explaining the circumstances.
Whatever college your son eventually gets into, I can almost guarantee his
experience will be sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet, and sometimes both at
the same time. But for Aspies especially, creating a safe zone, a pocket of
familiarity, will help with the worst of times. I've had a single room since
my first year here, and I'm so glad of it. (The U of C has lots of singles
for first-years if you ask them nicely; I don't know about other schools.)
It will certainly take a while to become comfortable in a place that is Not
Home; being so far away from the people and places I knew and loved
depressed the heck out of me for quite a while, even though I thought I was
ready to leave. Be prepared to talk your son through those times. But
ultimately, the best advice I can give your son is to take his time and let
college develop organically for him. He doesn't need to make friends his
first week in school, or sign up for ten extracurriculars, unless those are
things he truly wants. Not overheating is key to getting classwork done,
enjoying yourself, and still getting some sleep. And if (as may happen) once
in a while he just can't face the world and needs to take a day off lying in
his comfortable bed in his dark room, that's not the end of the world. (I've
been there.)

Congratulations again to both of you! Best of luck!
--Brian

Walking around with a Paint Brush

Q: Did you ever grow up having to hold something or shake something in your
hands? I know many autistic kids have the need to hold and shake something
in their hands. My question is Why? And then ofcourse, should I as a parent
be denying my sons desire to walk around always holding a paint brush,
pencil, or anything in his hand?

When you grew up, looking back, would you have preferred being in the
deneral ed classroom with accomodations, or pulled out to special eduction
resources, for more one on one and small group learning opportunities?

Thank you so much for your thoughts!

A: You get two Aspie answers for the price of... well... free! Two
Panelists wanted to answer your question, so make sure you read the
whole email to get both replies.

[From Brian:]
I'm glad you found my last email mind-broadening! I'd caution you against
complimenting me on how helpful I've been till you actually try my
suggestions out, though; I'm no professional, and all I can do is put
options on the table :)
Books to recommend... heh! Wouldn't it be great if there were a nice book,
leather-bound with Bible-thin pages, with the title "THE RULES" embossed
onto its cover? Unfortunately, as far as I know there is no such book. But
there are resources that do a darn good job covering these
normally-unwritten rules. The best book I know for this purpose is "How To
Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," by Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish. (It's on Amazon.com for little more than
$10.) When I was quite young (ten or so?) I stumbled across a copy of this
book that my parents had bought, and just pored over it. It's rich with
rules for rewarding communication, and manages to work in rules for other
things too -- almost by accident, in the process of illustrating how parents
can communicate to their kids the socially acceptable ways of dealing with
certain situations. If you liked my examples in my last email, there's no
better resource I can recommend, for you or your son.
Not that I won't try. The other source that might be helpful is the webpage
A Survival Guide for People with Asperger's
Syndrome.
(That's http://www.asperger-marriage.info/survguide/chapter21.html, if you
have trouble opening the link.) It does a better job explicitly spelling out
the rules in easy-to-digest format than anything else I can think of
offhand. It also leaves a lot of stuff out, as any such source must, but
it's emphatically worth a look!
Now, as to your other questions. Lots and lots of spectrum kids -- and
adults too! -- habitually engage in some kind of sensory self-stimulation
(aka "stimming"). I'm one of them! I've written to parents about this a
couple times before, and I always recommend letting the child continue --
assuming, of course, that his particular choice of stim isn't physically
harmful to himself, which doesn't happen often. Best as I can figure out,
stimming is an important coping mechanism that helps us deal with stress.
Between sensory hypersensitivity, having to learn the social rules, and just
plain being different, being on the spectrum can be very anxiety-provoking.
Stimming gives the nervous energy somewhere to go, and, via creating what
I've called a way to "'turn down the volume' on all that light and sound and
information." I don't know how I'd survive without a way to do this :) Some
therapists think stimming is something that should be treated, but as Wiley
has pointed out, there are enough difficult aspects of being autistic that
the last thing you want to do is destroy an autistic's coping mechanism! You
can, however, explain when rocking, say, might not be socially appropriate.
(Sadly, a lot of neurotypicals get creeped out by rocking.)
Looking back, when I grew up I think I would've *preferred* being in a
classroom with as few people as possible; I never liked interacting with
most of my peers. But I stress the word "preferred." Ultimately, even folks
on the spectrum need to learn how to understand neurotypicals, in order to
live with them and even love them. So while at times I found it very
unpleasant, I think it was valuable to me to share a classroom and a
playground with a larger number of peers; in the end there's nothing like
exposure to something to help one understand it. That said, there are
definitely advantages to a smaller classroom; learning can go at the child's
own pace (be it faster or slower), for one thing, and there is a lot less
bullying. Does your son have an opinion?
Hope this helps! Best of luck once again!
--Brian

[From Lynn:]
As to the first, there's a reason why they call them executive toys - many
people, including Aspies, enjoy a thingamabob in hand as they work. My dad,
for instance, is a terrible pencil biter (not recommended). I play with my
hair a lot; it's long and curly and fun to tie in knots.
As to the second, I had both, really. I went to a public school which had a
program called ALPHA for gifted kids. Twice a week for 3 hours in
elementary school we got to leave class and do program activities in a
pretty small group. As I recall, one of the projects was making a full
scale model of the space shuttle living quarters (pre-Challenger) out of
duct tape and plastic sheeting. In high school, it was a daily class
period, and I designed my own projects, which included arranged marrianges
around the world, humor, and violence in the movies. Does your school
district have a similar program? Being pulled out is not necessarily a bad
thing, but neither is learning to live with one's peers.
-Lynn

Post High School Freezing?

Q: Any response would be greatly appreciated:
We have a son graduating with N.Y. regents diploma, did very well in SAT (especially considering limitations of school he attended, with mostly one-on-one teaching, except for social studies where he did NOT participate).
He recently stated he does not want to go to college (why start if you do not know what exactly that you want to do/major in), maybe wants a job, afraid to learn to drive, and anything we suggest he will immediately refuse. It was as if he turned 18, wants to be independent, but does not know how (through lack of experience or previous willingness for us to show/help him). He was previously interested in hiking and mountain climbing, with father, but has since stopped.
We are looking into adult services that might help him reach whatever goals he has. We are very concerned since he always has a plan, a schedule, and that he does not have one for after June, high school graduation.
(1) Does/Did anyone identify with any of his feelings?
(2)Any suggestions of how to communicate with him?
(3) Any services known/schools that might be helpful?

Many thanks for your time and response. A very concerned Mother who just wants to help. Barbara D.

A: Mmm. I had some of those feelings myself when I graduated high school. One
difference for me was that I never really questioned whether I wanted to go
to college; it had always been assumed that since my grades were excellent
and I loved to learn, college was the right place for me. Which I think it
was, but once I got here it took me a long time to convince myself of that;
only recently have I started being darned glad I'm here.
It has bothered me to no end that I don't have a coherent goal for myself.
My dad says, he hopes reassuringly, that there are very few people out there
with a driving passion, and that most just end up taking whatever
opportunities present themselves after college. To me that always sounded
like "everyone else is as miserable as you are; give yourself a break,"
which is an awfully bittersweet message. Still, the part about giving
oneself a break is darn good advice. The situation your son finds himself in
now, if he's anything like me, is that he needs a plan for the future to
feel safe, but hates the thought of committing to a plan that will take him
down a road he dislikes. Sometimes this can feel like a choice between
having a bad future on the one hand, and no future at all on the other.

I'm glad to say that I'm getting over this, slowly but surely. This is
largely because here in college I've found a major (linguistics) that
involves doing work I enjoy day-by-day, and almost coincidentally happens to
lead down a career path that I find acceptable. For this reason, most of the
time I don't have to think about my future; if I take care of each passing
day, the future will take care of itself. Reaching this point, I think, is
hard for everyone, but especially for Aspies; our especial need for security
and routine makes transitional periods, and imagining future transitional
periods, potentially very anxiety-provoking. This only reinforces the need
to find something one can focus on day to day.
I mention all this because it sounds like your son is very future-oriented;
it's no wonder he feels so lost! I think there are about two ways people who
think this way get to feel motivated. One is to establish the missing
long-term goal. A vocational test might be helpful for this; if nothing
else, it will bring up possibilities you may not have considered! (On the
other hand, if it *doesn't*, it may just reinforce your son's feeling of
aimlessness.) The other, which takes a long time, is to mitigate that future
orientation and find something enjoyable you can pursue day by day, trusting
that this will lead (perhaps obliquely) to a career. Not that it has to be
one or the other; my own "solution" at the moment is an admixture of the
two. But unfortunately, there is no way I know to make someone either
motivated or in the moment. It's something that develops over time.
That said, there is a way you can help: by continuing to offer your support
to your son. There is no rule that says you have to get pushed out of the
nest at 18, to fly or fall. Here at college I go home for every vacation; my
wings are tired and I need to rest them. And knowing I can talk to my
parents when I need to is incredibly helpful. It may be very frustrating not
to be able to do more for your son -- God knows how much my parents went
through for this reason -- but it's like Frodo and the One Ring: no one else
can carry it for him.
--Brian
"I can only show you the door. You're the one who has to walk through it."
--Morpheus, *The Matrix*

Problems with Generalization

Q: Have you ever heard of Generalization in Autistic people? Where they learn something in 1 setting but can not carry it over to another setting. This is what my daughter appears to be doing. Her teacher showed me that she can do things like draw a person with 2 body parts but at home she can not.Someone mentioned this to me. Are you familar with this?

A: You get two Aspie Answers for the price of... well... free ^_^ Two of
our panelists wanted to answer your question, so make sure you read
the whole email to get both responses.

From Brian:
I sure am! To take a simple example from my own experience, I have an
awfully hard time recognizing someone I know from, say, class, when I see
them in a different setting. I've offended much more than one person by not
recognizing them in the dining hall in spite of having (finally) learned to
recognize them in class! Similarly, I've read about an Aspie who had a
phobia of house plants; his parents persuaded him to accept a very small
plant on a table across the room from his bed, and (with his consent)
gradually moved it closer to his bed every day as he acclimated. He came to
be unafraid of *that* house plant -- but he was still terrified of others!
Indeed, this difficulty in generalizing is seen by some experts as being at
the "core" of Asperger's (I don't know about classic autism), to the extent
Asperger's *has* a core. I'm not sure I agree, but I'm no psychologist! In
any case, it certainly does pose problems for a lot of parents, who don't
understand how their child can be so high-functioning at home but
practically nonverbal in school (or vice versa). The best I can do to
explain it from my own experience is to describe it as an intensified
version of what I think is an experience everyone has. People are used to
thinking in particular ways in particular places, or with respect to
particular things. I believe it's been established, for instance, that
students perform better on biology exams when they are allowed to take them
in the classroom where they learned biology. Getting into any given mindset
is easier in a situation where you're used to being in that mindset. I
suspect this is essentially what your daughter and others are going through,
only in a much more visible and obvious way. Like many other autistic
traits, this one will likely recede with time.
--Brian

From Wiley:
I think Brian wrote a great response, so I won't write anything too
long, but as I was reading your letter I thought of an analogy and a
personal example, so I'll just write them down here. The example I
thought of was my spelling. I write nearly everything I write on
computers these days, and my spelling when I type is relatively good
(now of course I've cursed myself and the entire rest of this response
will be littered with spelling mistakes). I'm not conciously
remembering how to spell the words, I just remember how to type them.
So when I have to write things down by hand, which is a completely
different sensation, my spelling is atrocious! Because it's a
completely different experience from typing on a computer.

The best analogy to pop into my head is the difference between sleeping
in your own bed and sleeping in a hotel. It's not necessarily that the
bed in a hotel is any less comfortable than your bed at home, it's just
a different sensory experience than your bed at home, and it's hard to
convine your brain that it's still a place where you go to sleep.

Wiley

The Transition to First Grade

Q: I have an almost 6 year old son with Asperger's who is in kindergarten.  He loves his teachers, therapists and paraprofessional.  We are in the process of trying to decide what the best summer programming would be for him, if any, and helping him transition to first grade.  He loves school but is convinced he never wants to leave his present classroom.  Any ideas on what we can provide him with that would get him ready for first grade and build on this wonderfully positive experience he's had in kindergarten?  (He's in afternoon kindergarten now and first grade is a whole day.)

 

Thank you for your time!

A: Well, the trick is to find something more fun than kindergarden but
less fun than first grade ^_^ Seriously, I'd recomend something that he
finds interesting but that lasts a whole day.  I don't know what your
son is interested in or the options available in your area, but if you
can find a camp that will let him focus on one of his special
interests, it might be easier to ease him into spending the whole day
in a structured environment, and open him up to the idea that there
are, in fact, places that are more fun than kindergarden.

Wiley

Three questions in one!

Q: I just got an email from one of the support groups I am apart of, with a
reference to your site.

I am a parent of 3 kids, one with Autism. My autistic son is 7 years old. I
do have a lot of questions for those of you who have been there, and can
articulate what you feel and experience. My son is still young, so I hope
that as he matures, he will be able to articulate and express to me what he
is feeling as you all do. Thanks for creating this site, and trying to help
others!

A quick quick glimpse at some of the behaviors that I would love insight and
or commentary from your experiences are, and I did not see the answers in
frequently asked question (My questions are not private, so you may post
them and your answers, but please email me back as well):

My son has a phenomenal memory. Just shy oven 7 years old, he can recall and
recite anything he has heard or seen, especially when it has an order (like
birthdates, or the sequence of U.S. Presidents, songs that he has not heard
since he was an infant etc.). Should I be encouraging his odd obsession with
dates/sequences etc. (by encouraging this talent, (I mean at this age when
he is so little, do I buy the books or engage in the memory games to further
nurture the obsession, or redirect the inclination to more neuro-typical
play?)

My son lacks the interest (or ability?) to engage in conversation, just for
the sake of conversation (i.e. How was your day, what did you do today etc…
He will never be the one to initiate such a conversation, and does not
sustain in the conversation when someone else initiates it. He will just
answer your question, and then tune out, or continue what he was doing.)
How do I teach him how to have interest and sustain everyday conversation?

My son has what seems like an uncontrollable need to verbal stim (except for
when he is on the computer or drawing/writing or focusing on something like
a puzzle). When walking, standing in line, in the classroom, at the dinner
table, even during play my son is constantly singing, making some noises of
something that he might be interested in (now at this young age, the
interest is in trucks, so he makes truck noises, or he loves Gardeners, so
he makes lawn mower and leaf blower sounds). The questions I have for you
all, are is it seems his natural state of being is one that is always,
singing out loud, making out loud sounds, or saying whatever is on his mind
irrelevant of what is going on around him (i.e. in the classroom, while
everyone is listening to the teacher read a book, or give an instruction, he
has to be verbalizing something). How do I help him control his need to
verbalize everything that comes to his unique mind?

With great appreciation for your insight here! From a loving Mom!

A: Hi there! Sorry it's taken a while to get back to you; we've been trying to
fend off a blizzard of emails with a hair dryer almost since going online!
So, you have three questions, and I have three answers. Hopefully they're
answers to the right questions. Let's start at the beginning...
I think it's great that your son is so gifted in the memory department!
Many autistic kids have a talent for trivia, but it sounds like yours is
more so than most. Me, I say that if you have a phenomenal talent, you
should nurture it :) There are plenty of places where such memory could come
in handy, from winning Jeopardy to remembering the contents of his biology
textbook once he gets to high school. Pursuing such an ability at the
expense of other important things, like school, therapy, taking care of the
dog, and so on would be no good, of course. But I think pursuing it at the
expense of neurotypical play is healthy; autistic kids aren't neurotypical,
so why should they act neurotypical on their own time? (I'm in college. The
normal way many neurotypicals "play" here involves drunken parties. I like
to think that sitting in my room reading, the more Aspie option, is a valid
alternative choice :) ) You're right, though, to think about to what extent
your son should be able to mimic neurotypical behavior; this is a theme I'll
return to in the next couple questions.

Number two! Small talk and the like. I know how your son feels... my
perception, which is shared by most of us in the autistic community and many
people outside it, is that an awful lot of human conversation is more for
the purpose of demonstrating our caring about each other (or pretending to)
than for actual communication. This takes autistic kids a while to figure
out, because of what's been called "mind-blindness;" it's not until rather
late in our development that we can figure out what other people are feeling
and why they feel that way. When you say "how was your day?" what you mean
is "I care about you and want to know how you're doing," but to your son it
likely sounds more like "how was your day?" That's a question that can be
adequately answered with "it was okay," so that's what he says. He's
probably not trying to be reticent; he's just answering the question he
heard. On one hand, that's understandable. On the other hand, I for one
wouldn't be able to function socially if I couldn't read subtext! If my own
experience is any guide, this is something your son will grow out of
naturally to some extent, as he comes to understand that information is not
the only thing language can convey! Meanwhile, you can help him learn to
read subtext by explaining to him in real time why people the two of you
encounter are saying the things they say. ("I asked the teller how she was
because it's a nice way to show people that you value them.") The rules are
more confusing than you might think!
I'm pleased to hear your son is so verbal -- plenty of mothers of autistic
kids have the opposite problem :) Your son's sometimes-inappropriate
verboseness is something a lot of autistics have to deal with. I talk to
myself almost constantly when in private, as do many of the Aspies I know --
it's partly to organize my thoughts, and partly to entertain myself! When I
was young, though, the proviso about being in private wasn't one I'd learned
yet. (My first diagnosis was ADHD, because someone who insists on pointing
out what the fish in the classroom aquarium is doing while his teacher is
trying to teach arithmetic can superficially look like an ADHD patient; it
wasn't until later that we figured out ADHD wasn't the issue! To this day I
talk a lot in class, though I've redirected it to asking the professor the
many questions that invariably go through my mind as he explains the lesson
of the day.) Ultimately, the reason why talking aloud in public isn't
usually appropriate is that it disturbs others; this is something you can
try explaining to your son. ("The teacher wants to teach the lesson, and
your classmates want to learn. Being in a quiet room helps people teach and
learn. You can help them by not making noise, so that they can concentrate
better.") At the same time, you might want to be wary of sending the message
that talking to oneself is *never* appropriate; this is another area where I
think autistics are "different but okay." (And neurotypical kids are noisy
too!) Whatever rules you'd like your child to follow about when it's okay to
talk a blue streak, do your best to explain them so that they make sense to
someone who has trouble figuring out what other people are feeling without
being told.
Whew! Hope this helps you! It sounds like your son is gratifyingly high
functioning, and I hope continuing to bring him up will be rewarding for
you. Let me know if you have more questions! Thanks for writing!
--Brian

Why doesn't he want to go to school?

Q: my son is a 2nd grader in regular education with a shared aid. he receives support from an itinerant teacher, and in general is having a good year. this week (mon) he developed a cold, and i kept him home from school. the next day (tues) he was well enough to go to school, but wanted to stay home because he said he felt like he was going to throw up. i kept him home again, and told him he had to go to school the next day. the next day i told him i would be available to get him if he needed me to get him. the teacher indicated that although he complained of feeling sick, he did his work. he went to the nurse, but she sent him back to the classroom. he still insists he should stay home from school. i am trying to talk to him and figure out what is the cause of feeling sick. (i.e. the school work, a bully, etc.) there doesn't appear to be anything going on. what can i do to help him get over this? how can i help him resolve the problem? i am very patient and calm with him as he can be a sensitive child. thank you for your help.
sincerely, virginia (mom to neil who is almost 9)

A: Well, before I answer as an Aspie, I feel like I ought to answer as a person with a heart condition that took years to diagnose. I spent four years as a kid who didn't want to go to school, and until I had an episode of ventricular tachycardia, I was diagnosed with "habit cough," a psychosomatic condition. I spent months with a psychologist trying to find "repressed emotions" that could be causing it, and meanwhile I couldn't get my doctors to care that I had a resting pulse of 125. So please keep in mind that there are a lot of actual illnesses out there that are very difficult to diagnose and can look a lot like a kid who just doesn't want to go to school. Particularly if he's complaining about his stomach, you might want to look into some of the food sensivities and intolerances common to those on the autism spectrum.

That being said, sometimes the problem is that the kid doesn't want to go to school. Even if there isn't anything in particular going wrong at school, school is an annoying place when you're on the spectrum. There are a lot of rules that don't make any sense (I used to get in trouble for reading on the playground,) they never spend enough time on the interesting subjects, and you're surrounded by neurotypical kids, who are quite frankly really weird. If there's anything you can do to make school more interesting for him, like convincing his teacher to let him work on a project about one of his special interests, or finding him some Aspie/HFA friends who weren't as confusing as the NT kids, it might go a long way towards reducing his reluctance about going to school.

Wiley

How can I teach him that school is important?

Q:My 9 year old son is having difficulty accepting the importance of school. He has 2 bad years of horrible teachers that didn't take the time to understand Asperger's. Is this something he will outgrow? Do you have any suggestions what I can do to turn him around? I had to withdraw him from public school and enrolled him in a Virtual Academy in hopes this will help, but now I'm facing the stubbornness of helping him realize things are getting better.

Thanks!

Maria

A:
It's not so much that he'll outgrow it as that school will grow to meet him. The importance of School isn't really something most Aspies can accept. The importance of Information is much easier. The more school is focused on actual learning of interesting information, the less resistant he'll be. And the older Aspies get, the easier it is for them to accept that even though a given activity does not have inherent value (such as the sort of busywork that makes up most of the school day) it does have not-getting-in-trouble value. We still don't like it, but we will at least tolerate it. In the meantime, try to make what he needs to learn relevent to what he wants to learn, and get started explaining the concept of not-getting-in-trouble value.

Wiley